Gone Too Green?

I don't use a mixer. Haven't in my entire adult life. I prefer to beat things by hand because it saves tiny amounts on my energy bill. However when I found out that I was going to have to throw together a birthday celebration in two days time, I decided that once couldn't hurt. Mike's dad was having surgery, so I opted to make as many things as humanly possible. My arm hurt so bad! Mom bought me an electric mixer for Christmas last year, which I had tried once, but couldn't get used to its three speeds: fast, faster, and warp 9. At any rate, I bust this convenience of modern day technology out. Fortunately there was a camera on hand for what happened next. What I meant to do was press that little release thingy to put the beaters back down into the bowl. What I did was push the hyper speed button while they were still in the air. Of course I was wearing a white shirt... and the chairs I splattered along with myself and the wall, white too. Damn. Here's the evidence...enjoy!

Yes Mom, they come in other colors

I received an odd phone call from my mother last night. Apparently she's been waiting all summer for her orangish-yellow tomatoes to turn red. She's even got some that she picked wrapped up in newspaper to try and facilitate the process. But yesterday she dropped own and juice ran everywhere. This prompted the phone call as to whether there are in fact tomatoes of other hues. I was flabbergasted to say the least. How could my own mother be unaware of the wonderful world of love apples! She protested my fits of laughter with the fact that she lives in California and all of the tomatoes there are of course red! I suppose if you live under a rock. And I know she has the food network. I did the only thing I could think of. I told her to Google "tomato varieties" and click on the images link. Then I said she ought to probe the produce section a little deeper on her next shopping trip. I'm sure not everyone finds this as funny as I did, but that's okay. I guess you had to be there. ;)

My name is Lynn, and I cannot sew

Mike bought me a pair of pajama pants for Christmas in 2007. Sometime in 2008 (early) I ripped them. They sat in a Tupperware tub until this morning. Five minutes ago I finished sewing, and I use the term loosely, very loosely, them back together. It looks like something two five year old children collaborated on with some scraps of fabric. Oh who am I kidding, I am giving myself way to much credit here. I totally suck at sewing. It is at this time that I finally regret bribing Steven into doing my home economics sewing. I dare say these pants might last a week. *Sheepish Grins* I suppose I'll eventually get better at it, I just have to practice. Oh yeah, and probably have someone show me, that might help.

Computer dorking it

Yeah, so this is how you know you spend WAY too much time in front of the screen. Yesterday there was a speck of something on the screen. Without thinking twice, I wiggled the mouse. You know, to wipe the crud off with the cursor! Dumb!

Guess What I Managed to Get in My Eye...

Baking soda. Yes, that's right baking soda. Two nights ago, while trying to scrub the daylights out of the older coffee pot. Curse you Mike, no one who drinks coffee as much as you, should own a white coffee maker. Back to the subject, so there I am scrubbing away with a bottle brush and *plink* one nice shiny globule of wet baking soda in my right eye. Then we get to the part where I ask Mike for help and well, he sort of splashes water in the general direction of my eye. *sigh* This does not feel good. Then I put my head under the stream of ARCTIC water coming out of the tap trying to keep my eye open. Unfortunately, this seemed to be the one instance where my eyelids seemed to be stronger than my fingers. Fortunately, I must have gotten all the baking soda out, or it would have probably really hurt ten minutes later when I splashed vinegar in my eye. Not that I recommend vinegar by itself either. It sucked. The end.

May I speak to Line please?

Two days and four phone calls later, FedEx made it here. *sigh* Mike's new thumb was sent from Portland, oh last Monday I believe it was. None the less, the driver finally called. I donned a highlighter pink beanie and ran out into the snow. Over the hills and through the woods, I finally landed on the sidewalk where he could see me. Yay! No more lurking by the window watching. On the way up the walk I glance at the packaging and notice the name printed in the "Caller" space. This is probably the most amusing misspelling of my name to date. It reads "Line Martines", hmmmm. I really didn't think it could be so marred, especially since I spoke to two different people. Who I might add, must have just thought Line was a common name around here, as they did not ask for a spelling. Then again my dumbass should have probably known that call was a whole lot less painful than it should have been. Ah well, this might be one scrap of paper I might actually keep.

Dear God

Dear God,
Do you think maybe just this one time I could get like a five hundred dollar windfall of some kind. I mean it would be like a one time deal. Get my head about water sort of thing. You know so I could be a little more prepared for the particularly harsh winter we seem to be having. This way, I was thinking I could by some groceries, diapers, cleaning supplies that I am out of, and maybe some underwear that don't have holes in them. *Smile* I know the answer is probably no, but I also know you probably have a sense of humor too.

Love,
Lynn

Past, Present and Future?

The November issue of Kalama's own coffee break was pretty funny this time. I think it was because it seemed to contain an anecdote about what could be my past, present, and future.


Past:
One Saturday morning Anne's father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning.
At 11:30 that same morning Anne sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad, " she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."

Present:
There was an unexpected knock on my door, I looked through the peephole and asked, "Who's there?"
"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature."
"Could I see some ID?"
"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house, I'd probably just use these," and showed me the keys I'd left in the front door.

Future:
A little old lady boarded a bus. Every ten minutes she'd ask the bus driver, "Have we reached Mapleton yet?"
"No, lady, not yet. I'll let you know," he replied, time after time.
Finally the little town came into view. Thr driver pulled over and called out, "This is where you get out, lady."
"Is this Mapleton?"
"YES!" he bellowed. "Get out!"
"Oh, I'm going all the way to Albany, sonny," she explained sweetly. "It's just that my daughter told me that when we got this far, I should take my blood pressure pill."


Hope you smiled at least a little.

More comic relief

There will be another post either today or tomorrow with actual content, but for now an excerpt from this weeks "Coffee Break" that I found a little funny.

A little boy needed $50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $50. When the post office received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the president.
The president was so amused t hat he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted to have received the $5 bill and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
"Dear God: 'Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington D.C., an, as usual, those turkeys kept $45 in taxes.'"

That's funny

I've been meaning to post this for a few days, but since Mike is pretending to quit smoking, he has created a permanent butt dent in this chair. He says it's keeping him from smoking, except the only time he walks away from this thing is to smoke. I however, am on day six! Yay me! But enough on that. Over the last month I have heard some really funny things out of the mouths of children, most of them all around the age of eight. All of these are reactions/questions or caused by a commercial they'd seen on the television.

1. When Chris and Jenny came over for the fourth of July this conversation took place. : "Chris you'd better not forget to put on your sun screen, you do not want to end up with skin cancer". "Yeah dad, or genital herpes". And they say having Valtrex commercials in the middle of after school programming doesn't matter. *grins*
   
2. Upon seeing the KY Yours and Mine, (I think that's what its's called), commercial. "Is that a hair care product, because that's the only thing I can see that's different about them"
3. One of my cousins saw the Activia commercial and proceeded to exclaim, "That is so cool, a yogurt for your period!"

I'm just saying I won't be terribly surprised if I hear a small child's commentary on Viagra sometime soon. I think it's funny though, to hear how a child's mind interprets things. That whole genital herpes thing cracked me up.

Nine Words

In light of the fact that I am incapable of writing anything nice today as my best friend is being tormented by Satan and her cronies I thought I'd share a funny email that my mother sent me. I am not normally into forwards, but we are all in need of some comic relief at times.

          NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument
   when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means
   a half an hour.  Five minutes is only five minutes
   if you have just been given five more minutes to
   watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This
   means something, and you should be on your toes.
   Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a
   non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A
   loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and
   wonders why she is wasting her time standing here
   and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to
   # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous
   statements a women can make to a man. That's okay
   means she wants to think long and hard before
   deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question,
   or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add
   in a clause here - This is true, unless she says
   'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is
   not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'.
   that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous
   statement, meaning this is something that a woman
   has told a man to do several times, but is now doing
   it herself. This will later result in a man asking
   'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Writer's Block

So I haven't posted in a while and it bothers the crap out of me. The problem is that I have so many things bumping around in my brain that I can't seem to focus on one long enough to get a coherent thought out. I'm working on it, I promise. Anyway while reading the local paper yesterday I ran across a section called "Coffee Break" there were a few anecdotes that made me chuckle and I thought I would share.

A woman, ready to go to the store, stood at the door with her arms full of coats. Four little children stood at her side. Her husband, coming down the stairs, asked why she was standing there.
handing him the coats, she responded, "This time you put on the children's coats, and I'll honk the horn."

An old man asked his wife to make him a hot fudge sundae. She went to the kitchen and ten minutes later came back wit ha plate of scrambled eggs instead. Seeing this, her husband flew into a rage and yelled, "Where's the bacon? I asked for bacon!"

Mrs. Bloom decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "I want you to paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, and a ruby pendant."
The artist replied, "But you're not wearing any of those things."
"I know," she said. "It's in case I die before my husband. I'm certain he'll get married again right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry!"

Hope you enjoyed a little comic relief, I know I did.

SUCCESS!

On the 8th of August we had a little shindig for young Phoenix's soon to be second birthday. For this occasion I tried, and failed, to execute a structurally sound cake. In fact, it was California by the end, complete with fault lines. Against my better judgment I used a cake from a box, or rather 4 boxed cakes, but that didn't seem to be too much of a problem, except for the fact that the cake on the bottom was made with a different brand of cake mix than the top. I figured they were all the same, but oh no. Let's not even talk about the pudding filling that ended up more soupy than I'd like to admit. *grins* But at least now it's funny...even the part about the well meaning friend who "helped" me get the wide based palm trees stuck in the cake. I was going to chop the base off, but I got my first fault line instead. Oh well, they tell me it tasted okay. A. even tried to prop the one side up with a pan, which someone of course, immediately felt the need to move. My mom's refrigerator had blue/brown frosting all over the back wall of it by the time it was done. Thank you to whoever cleaned that up by the way. In the end when my mom chopped the rest of the cake into kinda squares and stacked them haphazardly on a plate, they looked the best. Ah well, at least nobody was there to see that.
Today I have Mike's parentals and his best friends coming over to celebrate Phoenix's birthday which was Tuesday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY SON! He's two, or thoo if you ask him. So I thought I'd take another whack at it. And viola! it actually came out. My ocean looks like an ocean, complete with mottled blue coloring. Go me! My island is an island and the palm tree is not 3 inches into the middle of my cake. And the best part, NO FAULT LINES!, Well as of yet. I'd love to take a picture, but I can't because I blew up my camera a few months ago, but that's a whole new post.