aug 23 - aug 25 2011

Life is fleeting. For some, people waltz in and out of our lives, often not even noticed. For me, everyone who drifts through my existence leaves an imprint. Sometimes short vignettes buried deep in my subconscious. There are many that span years as fixtures of some sort. In whatever way though, they are there. They are present, and they are pieces of me. If nothing else, I am quite proud to be an amalgamation of everyone I've ever met. But I'm drifting off topic.
The thing about people, and their role in our lives, is often based on their entry and exit, (if it applies). Some pass through quickly and unnoticed. Some stick around for a while. Many come and go amicably. And then there is death. That fucking whore comes for everyone. Death is by far the worst of the departures. it is final, and it is always resolute in its tidings. There are two types. Sudden, and drawn out. Some say one is worse than the other. Those people, I have no doubt, have only suffered one kind. When someone passes over a long period of time, it is said that you have time to say your goodbyes, prepare yourself, etc.. You will never be prepared. It's finality will astound you each and every time. A sudden death does leave you feeling as if there were some last words you should/could/would have said. But it affords you the courtesy of not watching a loved on suffer, or the almost waiting for the heartache feeling. Either way, it is never fun. The better memory you are cursed with, is all the more memories you can recall. Happy memories of giggles and mischief, only to remember that you will make no more. And the more you dwell on that, the more will flood over you. Times long forgotten, twenty years passed. Meeting as children, living through each other's firsts of all sorts, shows and friends and good times, teenage heart aches and daydreaming of the future. Transitioning into adults. But all too often, it means long periods of silence. Reconnects. Re-disconnects. Re-re-connects. Re-re-disconnects. They last too long. Sometimes you don't get a chance to speak ever again. Last loving words of an electronic mail, all you're left with.
Death is worse than hatred. There is always a chance at moving on, and growing as a human, even forgiveness, from hatred. Death leaves us with no recourse. What you had is just that. Forever locked in the past tense. And all you are really left with is a choice. How will you conduct yourself moving forward? My choice is to tend my own friendship garden fervently. If I don't water it, how can it grow? I want to touch the lives of others the way that they have mine. I want my friends to know that I love them. I want people who I have wronged to know that I am sorry. Sometimes my youth or my heart got in the way of doing what was right. And for the people who have wronged me along the way, if you think about that, don't. I don't. Those things are in the past, and will erode my future if I let them.
Existence in this plane is short, and almost always contains a few twists. Two days ago a dear childhood friend passed on. She was young, she was beautiful, and like me, she loved with everything she had. CrowsLanding girls are special, and the world lost a bit of it's sparkle for me today. Like a ship in the night, she slipped right on to the next chapter. While I myself have two kidneys still clunking along one year, 4 months, and 11 days past my expiration date. I'm not saying that I am waiting or anxious to expire. Simply that it is something that no man can predict. And that I should try and live each day like my last, because it very well could be. Just in case it is, I love you.

Broken

I am broken. I am always going to be broken. Broken and sometimes confused. I'm sorry.

Patrick and Patience

Today is Mikey's younger brother Patrick's birthday. Well, at least it is here. Technically it was yesterday for him, as he lives in New Zealand. I would love to write an actual post, but cannot as Mikey keeps needing to do things to the comp after losing the power twice yesterday. *Sigh* I need my own computer. I am not good at this waiting thing.

Bumbling and Fumbling

Yesterday I thought I was being productive when I penciled in my cousin Brianna's birthday for the 12th. Reminded myself I need to go out and get a card and everything. Unfortunately her birthday was in fact yesterday. She got a text message instead. Fail. March 12th is somebody's birthday though, so it's not a total loss. My great, great grandmother will be 97 years young.
I suppose I'm not doing much to buck my procrastination trend. Thanks so much honey for sharing your bad habit with me. Sheesh. I am going to go and get my calendar up to date right now... well after I get lunch done for Phoeny.

Tangents

This morning while I was making a pancake I started thinking about the day ahead. Mike has a doctor's appointment at 2:00p.m. Okay got it, his dad's going to be here at 12:45. Oh crap, I need to pin him down to a day to take me to my blood test. Oh shit, I have to try and remember to fast for the 11,467th time. Mmmm, I feel like pork chops for dinner. I wonder if Mike will let me have a pig when we move to Oregon. Ooohh, he already said I can have a cow. I can make butter and drinkable milk and cream! Damn it, I need unsweetened butter. "What's that son, more fruit?" I love fruit, we should have some fruit trees too. I wonder what grows well in Oregon, oh wait there's the greenhouse. Mike wants lemon trees. Allison's allergic to citrus, that's why the citronella candles are still outside. Hey, they could visit! Ooohh they might move to Northern California, then I might actually try and open my bakery. Mmmm, cookies. I heart cookies.
This is the way my brain is going, almost constantly. This is what my friends have to try and maneuver through a conversation with. Eventually in this particular thought loop, I thought it would be funny to actually type some of it up and see what it looks like it print. Not only was it funny, but an interesting study into the needless ability to recall an earlier, seemingly random train of thought in it's entirety.

An Essay

She is cold and hard while he embraces her. Far away safe in the recesses of her own brain. He doesn't notice, because he's never really known her. Through the passage of time all things reveal themselves. Over the last years their love stunted. Blocked by the invisible wall of baggage that some people just refuse to leave at the station. She's long since given herself a concussion from repeated bashings against it. The puddle of gray matter, only now beginning the forming of usable thought processes.
When he asked her to read his forum post, she knew it would be sad. She couldn't have fathomed the ton of emotional bricks that were about to land squarely on her chest.
The loss of a loved one is never easy. But what she saw destroyed her. Line by line it began to sink in. She would never know him, not the way she wanted to, or the way he thinks, not the way these interweb strangers do. His words poetic and profound, but only meant for her as a proof reader.
How surprised she was to learn of his thoughts to restart a band with the recently deceased. Awestruck by the way he wrote in earnest of his feelings for his friend. Left hollow at the knowledge that there is a void in him that she cannot fill. But they can? These faceless beings out in cyberspace?
Here in the carbon realm, she is trying to console him. Unable to fully surrender, even to her own grief. He's finally kind of reaching out to her. Ignorant to the fact that he just mangled her heart. Oblivious to the destruction of her feeble hope of someday finding a tunnel so that she may crawl into his heart. Clickity clacking away his feelings, even now. Hashing them out with those closest to his heart.
She will continue searching in vain for the path to his soul. After all, he opened up a little right? I mean even if it was just to tell her what he wanted to say to others. She at least finds a little comfort in the fact that he's talking to someone. She loves him enough to let him hurt her forever. She's already feeling a twinge of false hope wanting to creep in.


I mourn for the loss of the dead, more so, I mourn the loss of the still living.
Lynn N. Martinez 01-31-09

Right Now

Right now I am overwhelmed with sadness. A sadness that I neither understand nor have any control over.
Right now my son is acting like he hates me again, and I just don't know why.
Right now I am wondering if I subconsciously cause all other living beings to be repelled.
Right now I want my son to love me. Right now all of my loved ones are in some form of turmoil, and I am paralyzed with the rancor at my own inability to help. Right now I am mindful of my infinite shortcomings. Right now I am in fear that if I one day I haven't even worthy advice to offer, people will no longer come to call on me. Right now I worry that I have failed all of you. Right now I am scared that I only have thirteen hours and 49 minutes to relocate the fervor for my 2009 plans that I possessed yesterday.

Holy Snowballs Batman!

Oh wow, I seem to remember saying something the other day about wanting snow. Hmmm. It's been snowing now steadily since Wednesday. W-O-W WOW!!! I have never seen so much snow for such a long period of time. When I was a child my family would sometimes spend a few days at a time in a small town in Northern California, I believe it was called Strawberry. I know a few times we went to Longbarn. Before I meander right on off the path, there are about two feet of snow in my front yard. Our back walkway is almost a snow tunnel these days. I really can't help it, I think it's grand. I actually prayed for snow a couple of weeks ago. I am so enamored with the idea of a white Christmas. This will be my first snowed in Christmas. I don't know, maybe there is something wrong with me, but I love it. We have plenty of supplies for a few days, and nowhere to be other than home. I am romanticized by the idea of just my little family spending quiet snowy days whiling away the hours. Doing the things that families do. Building ships out of blocks, for his pirates "Pip" and "Barry". Watching the Christmas specials that have been on for years... and a couple new ones too. For the first time finding solace from the O.C.D. train. Sitting for a while viewing God's wonder in each airy flake. No cars at night, so quiet you can hear the snow alighting on the drifts. I could sit, idle for hours just watching it float down.
The atmosphere around the homestead has been pleasant as of late, the snow I prayed for is here, (and the white Christmas (maybe, if it stays the way it looks), I was to embarrassed to pray for after having the snow start to fall, *smile*). I have a happy, healthy and extraordinarily smart son. I have his mostly intact, (minus the thumb, smile), father to help me raise him. I have the most awesome best friend on Earth, maybe even Mars. I still have both my parents, who I got to spend an early Christmas with last week. I have the greatest brother God could have given me. There are of course problems in my life, and the lives of others connected to me, but right now I'm okay. My prayers have been answered, even the ones that I didn't need. Thank you Jesus, for everything.

I just wanted to say...

There are a few things that I have wanted to say to a few people in my life, and have yet to do so. So here in no particular order, are things I would like to say. If you think I am talking to you, I just might be. Ask. Some might be things you need to hear, even if they weren't originally meant for you.

I want you to know that you are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for.
I want you to know that you are strong enough to leave.
I want you to know that I love you, even if I am too embarrassed to utter the phrase.
I want you to know that I value your friendship, even though I am not sure that you value me.
I want you to know that everybody hurts.
I want you to know that knowing you has shaped part of me.
I want you to know that it is okay to hope. Sometimes it's all we have.
I want you to know that there is someone out there that God made just for you.
I want you to know that I am always in your heart.
I want you to know how much you make me hurt.
I want you to know that I am not as strong as I want to be.
I want you to know that it's okay to let me in.
I want you to know that there is nothing more than sorry, that I can be.
I want you to know that you're worth it.
I want you to know that you can write that novel.
I want you to know that it will get better.
I want you to know that I will help you in any way I can.
I want you to know that I am scared too.

Happy December

I've been listening to the ships blowing their fog horns all night. If I don't look out the window, I can imagine myself all the way to the ocean. It's December, and outside it is nothing but gloom. This is Kalama, the one place on earth where it can simultaneously pour rain and be fogged in.

Happy Sunday!

Haha, that's really all I wanted to say. It's foggy all the way up to the window here. So today we are having a lazy pajama Sunday. The week has been hectic, and the drama bountiful, so it's time for a break. I hope Monday brings a calmer week. *Smiles*

The candle, both ends really burn

Nothing has come spewing out of my brain for two days now. Three hundred times a day "I need to blog about that" runs through my mind. For the last two days I have done a whole lot of worrying. Yesterday I worried so much that I didn't do the usual Sunday deep cleaning of my house. Money, housing, food, job, school, money housing, food, job, school. Over and over, thoughts of these things ricochet off of each other in the confines of my skull. It's hard to wade a logical line through stress brain soup. I am beginning to wonder if going to sleep is worth it right now. Dreams often amplify fears of what could be if things continue on this trajectory. Up, down, up, down, all night long. Waking up more tired than the day before. The day before when you woke up thinking you couldn't remember the last time you were THIS tired.

"Mom there's a raccoon in the palm tree"!

Lynn: "What did he say?"
Mom: " Yeah, I seen him yesterday. At first I left the door open so he could come inside. Then I thought raccoons are smart. I don't want to deal with him getting in the fridge, in the middle of the night, and making a mess. So I just left some food and water out on the porch. He's just a little one."

This is not an unusual phone conversation with my mom. I remember growing up there. Being late for class because my brother and I picked up an injured baby hawk on the way. Rachel, my mom's best friend, and the baby opossums she was raising in her living room. A few dogs, a couple of birds, some fish, three pet chickens, and my mom's herd of Siamese cats.

Then it dawns on me. Up to this point my ultimate dream life would consist of going to school forever. What about animals? A wild life refuge? We want to be away from hordes of people don't we? And I've taken to naming the random creatures that frequent my front lawn. (We aren't allowed to have pets here) There is a lot more to my epiphany, but it would be pates long were I to try and writ it all here. Suffice it to say, who knew something my brother said in passing could possibly steer me in a new direction.

To blog or not to blog

I haven't got a chance to post in a few days. Sometimes because I'm lazy, more because my hand really hurts, but mostly because Mike is a COMPUTER HOG! So I spend most of the day thinking about one of any given 20 topics that I am thinking about posting on, and trying to be in the right position to pounce on the computer chair when Mike is off to the bathroom. Unfortunately it's hard to stalk the computer when you are also cleaning the house and chasing a toddler. Most of the time by the time I am in the vicinity of a vacant computer, I am too tired and all my thoughts are nice and muddled together. Today we are going to a wedding and I am freaked out. I have worn a t-shirt since Phoenix was born, and I do not like this dress. I always manage to forget at least one angle on the dress when I'm in the damn dressing room. Unfortunately for me, this is always the angle that the dress looks horrible in. I feel like a cow, and I've got enough war paint on for the entire Apache Nation. Funny how that works out, I never wear make up any more for the sake of blue eye shadow. I wear it now, when I am feeling bad, scared, awkward, fat, or something to that affect. I can't wait to go home. I miss A. and I can't wait to meet her daughter and husband. I miss my mom. My brain is obviously still mixing the subjects together, but at least I touched on a couple of things that I want to write on in the future. The next few weeks may be a little sparse as I am going to California on sabbatical. But I am trying to get a few stored up! I'll just have to borrow some time on someones p.c. while I'm there. Thanks for tuning in!

Just a thought

I do not love you as if I can lose you.
I love you as if I might someday be yours again.