The end of day 2

Okay so technically I am at the beginning of my 3rd smoke free day. Unfortunately I feel like I am at the end of a very long second day. The first day I was crappy and exhausted. The second day I was crappier and more tired. So imagine my surprise when I could not catch 5 winks let alone 40. At 2:00 a.m. I was in horrible stomach pain, but I thought, it will pass and I'll still get at least four hours. Nope, do not pass GO, do not collect two hundred dollars. The last time I looked at the clock it was 6:38 a.m., the funny thing is that I was surprised at this. I throw myself back down into my mountain of pillows and contemplate on whether I should just get up and get a head start on the overnight dish appearances. Wouldn't you know it, I fall asleep...for a split second. No sooner had I closed my eyes, (or so it felt like), did I hear hey mom...Momma, breakfaaaaast! Momma get up! Yeah, that was at 7:18 a.m. Forty minutes, forty blasted minutes, and now even though I had a perfectly good post formed in my head for this morning, this is all I could get out. All I can even think about it sleep. I love sleeping. Why is it that people who love sleep so much, often have a hard time doing it?

I can see the light...

...at the end of the tunnel that is. I made it completely through yesterday without a single drag of a cigarette! Yay me! Today should be easier right? I sure hope so, because yesterday was out of this world hard. I'm not sure if I just forgot, or the overall crappiness I felt when I was pregnant masked it, but I felt like total crap all day yesterday. With Phoenix, I just quit, not even a "well I'll have one last one". Nope, the stick turned pink, and that was that. This time, there is no little one to do it for. It's all on me, and up to my will power. It hadn't went well, I'd been trying now for at least a week. I believe it was two days ago I asked my BFF to please pray that I might have some will power. I know she prayed for me, and I prayed for me. To tell the truth I was very disheartened when I sent the message. I was about to just give up all together because I couldn't do it. And in true Lynn fashion, the more I tried to quit, the more stressful things came my way. My family's entire future as we were trying to get to, may never come to pass. NO, I do not want to smoke. The feeling will pass. The cupboards are getting uncomfortably slim. NO, the last thing I need is another cigarette. Leading to another expensive cigarette. By about 2:00 p.m. yesterday I knew I was going to make it. But with all the emotonal stuff going on, and the nicotene making it's way out of my system, I was also completely and utterly exhausted. I don't know what time I went to sleep last night, but I know it was pretty early. And even though I still didn't sleep through the night, I only got up twice I think. That by itself is an indicator of how tired I was. On a normal night I'm up about fifteen times. I'll take it! So here we are at the beginning of my second smoke free day, wish me luck.

The sickies...I hate them

Okay I swear I am being tested. Last week it was some kind of weird head cold, which I don't think I'd ever really experienced before. Well, the baby feels better, Mike feels better..and I feel like death warmed over. I no longer have a head cold, but for the first time in my adult life, I am running a fever. Which in itself weirds me out, but added to the horrible stomach issues that are accompanying it, just plain out sucks. Unfortunately at this time, my O.C.D. seems to be in full on overdrive. Arguably there are many people who have been to my house and would say it's never "not clean", I beg to differ. I mean I already do some strange things like use an electric toothbrush to clean in the bathroom. Which, by the way, I have to say I thought that was a good idea regardless of O.C.D.. But even though all I wanted to do was lay on the couch yesterday in a sweat shirt and a blanket, (by the way Mike tells me it was 85 degrees out), I kept thinking of things that absolutely, positively HAD to be done yesterday. Bleaching the blinds, bleaching the floor, organizing parkas to donate, cleaning under my bed, organizing the four tubs of sort of random in the laundry room, trying to find someone to take my stroller, and pack n play, going through Phoenix's clothes, resolving the carpet, shining the door knobs, making a list of said things, and a myriad of crap that can probably wait. Oh yeah, and I am still failing miserably at quitting smoking, ( I can't wait for my white strips,lol).
I am also trying to decide if I am just Über sensitive, or Mike is really a dolt. I guess I have to remember that he is at a disadvantage as he is equipped with a penis. But seriously I know other Not-better-halves that at least try to help out when mom isn't doing so hot. By the way guys, saying "I'll do the dishes in a while" seventeen times and then getting faux pissy when she ends up doing them because she can't stand to see the damn things piling out of the sink and on to the counter, is not a good thing. In fact, don't be surprised if her head spins off. And for fucks sake, don't bitch about getting 4 hours of sleep ONE TIME in your fucking life. Especially when she is trying not to vomit up an intestine and has just stayed up an hour later than normal because she doesn't want to deal with your whining when she says "I'm going to bed" at the same time she says it every night because HELLO she gets up every day with your child. Oh yeah here's a newsflash, why don't you offer to get up with him for once. Just a thought, but maybe one day of you being a fucking grown up with your baby would help tremendously with the recouperating. Douche face.
The end.

Nine Words

In light of the fact that I am incapable of writing anything nice today as my best friend is being tormented by Satan and her cronies I thought I'd share a funny email that my mother sent me. I am not normally into forwards, but we are all in need of some comic relief at times.

          NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument
   when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means
   a half an hour.  Five minutes is only five minutes
   if you have just been given five more minutes to
   watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This
   means something, and you should be on your toes.
   Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a
   non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A
   loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and
   wonders why she is wasting her time standing here
   and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to
   # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous
   statements a women can make to a man. That's okay
   means she wants to think long and hard before
   deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question,
   or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add
   in a clause here - This is true, unless she says
   'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is
   not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'.
   that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous
   statement, meaning this is something that a woman
   has told a man to do several times, but is now doing
   it herself. This will later result in a man asking
   'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Can I borrow a cup of willpower?

So two weeks ago I decided that there were two big vices in my life that I can probably do without. The first one was Pepsi, and believe me that was hard. I'm now two weeks clean and I want one every second of every day. Sugary soda is not good in general for someone with sugar and kidney issues, but that alone was not enough to stop me. I now have to make myself remember that when I drink Pepsi, it makes my stomach feel like someone took sand paper to the inner lining. This is a good deterrent. Unfortunately cigarettes are the other culprit. And this one is a strange one, as I have quit once before. The day I found out I was pregnant with Phoenix I stopped cold turkey. It was easy, because I was doing it for the sake of my child. You'd think after 9 months of no smokes, I'd be over it. You'd be wrong though. The second he was no longer attached to my blood supply I wanted a cigarette, and BAD. I signed the paper from the hospital and stepped outside for my first dizzying feeding of my pet cancer, and have fed him every day since then. But I want to quit, I really do. I've tried having only a certain number a day, and I would gradually smoke less and less. Yeah that didn't work so well. I am smoking four a day still and no matter how hard I try it isn't working. So I went through all these crazy scenarios in my head but none worked. It is really hard especially when Mike wants to quit too, but cold turkey won't work for him. So even though he's smoking three a day, (a huge improvement), they are still in the house, and I cannot resist the temptation. Now I'm thinking I'll get some whitening gum, and that will keep me from doing it. Now best friend is going to help the cause by sending me her extra white strips, yay for good friends. And I am doing something that will hopefully jump start the process. Mike had to go to Portland today for a prosthetics fitting. He left at noon. I made him take the cigarettes with him and dumped the ash tray. He's got to stop for some groceries, and cash his check at the bank, and take care of the rent. So I'm hoping that he won't be back until sometime after dinner, and will then hide the cigarettes. I have had two today, but I'm hoping if I can make it until tomorrow, it will then be a little easier to refrain. Wish me luck. For now I'm going to emerse myself in the Playstation and hope for the best.

Huh?

Yesterday I had to walk down to the store and lo and behold there were city workers tearing up the sidewalk. In any other town I would think nothing of it. Except I'm in Kalama. I've lived here for one year now, and they are either really bored, or they are grinding up tourists bones and don't know what else to do with the dust except make cement. When I was moving in they had the whole sidewalk dug up and repoured. A month later they completely demolished the street and repaved. A month after that, they said the parking space lines weren't up to snuff, so they repainted. No big deal right? Only about a month after that, they ripped up the pavement again and redid the entire street. They took a little break, and then started at it again. They ripped the whole sidewalk up again about four months ago. Complete with ripping out all the trees on mainstreet. Including Twenty thousand dollars worth in front of a privately owned restaurant. The owner of said restaraunt had just paid to put them in. Kalama city officials said they don't fit with the "beautification" of downtown Kalama. Okay they finally get done doing that while I'm in California, so about the end of July. Then Mike calls me while I'm there and says, "you'll never guess what they are doing now". It's ten o'clock at night, what could they be doing? They apparently spent all night repaving the street AGAIN. Now it's September and they are ripping up the damn sidewalk for a third time in a year. Are you serious? Does any body else think this is a gross misuse of tax payer money? I mean if they have that much extra money laying around, maybe they could invest in some "interacting with outsiders" classes for the locals. Oh but wait, the sidewalk is perpetually repaved because people like me pay $250 dollars a month for water, sewer, and garbage. *Sigh* this place blows. But, it's also a black whole. Once you move here, it's too expensive to save up to move away.

I give up already

There is no use for mommy to try to be sick. I know what you're thinking, try to be sick? That's exactly what I've been doing for the past two days. Phoenix started on Wednesday and by Thursday Mom and Dad had it too. Unfortunately for mom only in the world of Daddy does that mean anything. Lay on the couch, play on the computer, make me watch shyte on the fucking military channel. You name it, it's okay because well he doesn't feel good. For Phoenix it makes it more tolerable for him to decide to be whiny and stay up a little later to wait for his medicine time.
But for mom, there is no rest for the weary. If I try and not do my job, the house falls apart. Nobody eats, the dishes pile up, and let's not talk about the laundry. I tried to not worry about those things, but it didn't work. I tried Nyquil for a few nights, but that doesn't really work when you have TWO children waking you up all night. So I forfeit. Because it doesn't really matter how I feel, the show must go on. That is the saying right? The first load of laundry is in, the coffee is on, Phoenix has already refused his breakfast, I've already cried, and I'm about to do the dishes that appeared over night in the sink.