Well

The last few months have been some of the weirdest of my life. It feels weird saying that because of the way I chose to lead my life just ten years ago. I would have expected to say that those days were the strangest, as I was having a grand time experimenting with life. Apparently, it is when life is having a grand time experimenting with you, that things can get quite odd. With everyone seeming to be in some stage of death, crisis, or hurt, it got overwhelming. Looming illnesses that cause hormonal meandering have built an almost solid wall between twenty years. And now fear of judgment widens the gap. Ailing fathers, and dying brothers, visitors from afar, straining a marriage that was already weak. A communication breach so profound, one wonders how there was ever progeny involved. Wanting to believe my brother is changing, hoping whatever comes next doesn't kill my mother. Struggling to find a balance between the love I have for my dying sibling, and the hatred I have for the things heroin made him do to me. No father, it wasn't about giving up on him, it was about not giving up on me. It seems I may be coming to a point where I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. That's not true. I can't see the light yet, but I know it's there. One thing I did come to realize is that it is not always me. I've always approached things with a "what did I do wrong", or "Why should this person like me", and I think I've sold myself short. The question I should have been asking was "Why should I like them".

Here's to hoping there is light...

at the end of the tunnel, that is. I feel like it's been ages since I posted last. Whilst life has yet to slow down for me, I am trying to find more time to sit and write. Working on a new foray into poetry. Hopefully displayed on WUF soon. More mental wandering to come soon.

A little Community Spirit in Kalama

Seven Course Italian Dinner & Silent Auction

$25.00


Benefits go to the Kalama community Fair
Saturday June 20, 2009
@ the Kalama Community Building
126 N. Elm
Kalama, WA

Seating starts at 5:30- 6:00 p.m.

MENU

Mixed Appetizers
Polenta Salsiccia- Marinated kabobs, Mpzzarella, Tomato, Olives, and Artichokes with Basil Oil

Italian Wedding Soup
Ceese Manicotti (with Bechamel and marinara sauce)

"SaltinBocca"- Beef with han and chees in wine gravi sauce
Roasted Petite Potates and Savory Fresh Asparagus
Fresh baby greens with Raspberry Vinagrette Dressing
Section of Cheese and fresh fruits

Deserts
Crotata with Chocolate dipped strawberries
Eclairs with Vanilland Chocolate cream

Espresso, Vintage Roast Coffees, Teas, and Punch

Wine will be available

Entertainment provided

Another date with the doc

Getting ready to go to another doctor's appointment. It's not so much that I am scared about what they are going to say anymore, as much as it is, that I am going alone. Mike's dad will drop me off, pick me up, deposit me at home. The end. I feel myself shrinking away from people, because the person/ people who should care, don't. Every one of these damn appointments makes it worse. I feel more and more like an inconvenience. Or like I am not tough enough, or like I am making the shit up. I have only met one person in my life who really seems to want to be sick, AND SHE'S NOT ME. I really have to say I think it is ridiculous to not only be in pain, but to feel guilty about it at the same time. Don't most people feel guilty when they are experiencing something they like?

Crossed fingers

I have another doctors appointment next week. Wish me luck.

I give up

My best friend lost a baby. I cried all day for her. I gave her time to get a hold of me, because I wasn't included in the texts that everyone else she loves got. I spent the time since then sending a random text here or there, that I got no response from. In fact the only one I heard anything about was this morning as a blog title. Telling me all about people who say that not really giving a shit. No I didn't keep texting her after the lack of response, but I've spent days trying to find someone to go to her house to take her food. I guess I should have told her that, because right now I'm just an asshole.

I can't win for losing

For three days now, I have been embroiled in the life of a stray Scottish Fold. Two nights ago he was found on the side of my neighbors house declawed and hungry. I fed him I stayed up all night to make sure he wasn't attacked by an oppossum or raccoon. I called every animal place I could find on the planet. I found a lady who said he needed some testing before she could take him. Inadvertently yesterday I was talking with my neighbor in the post office when the postal worker overheard. She told us of a lady named Gretchen who could help. We found her and she said she could take him. We were jubilant at the fact that he wouldn't have to sleep outside again, and maybe I could get some sleep. I sent the first woman an email in my excitement. Today I woke up to a scathing email about my being inhumane to animals. He had to sleep in a carrier overnight in someones garage, and would have been so much better off in the bushes for another night. I beg to differ. I think whilst he may have been uncomfortable last night, he was not going to be attacked by something that he could not defend himself against. I don't know, I guess I'm just an asshole. *sigh*