Well

The last few months have been some of the weirdest of my life. It feels weird saying that because of the way I chose to lead my life just ten years ago. I would have expected to say that those days were the strangest, as I was having a grand time experimenting with life. Apparently, it is when life is having a grand time experimenting with you, that things can get quite odd. With everyone seeming to be in some stage of death, crisis, or hurt, it got overwhelming. Looming illnesses that cause hormonal meandering have built an almost solid wall between twenty years. And now fear of judgment widens the gap. Ailing fathers, and dying brothers, visitors from afar, straining a marriage that was already weak. A communication breach so profound, one wonders how there was ever progeny involved. Wanting to believe my brother is changing, hoping whatever comes next doesn't kill my mother. Struggling to find a balance between the love I have for my dying sibling, and the hatred I have for the things heroin made him do to me. No father, it wasn't about giving up on him, it was about not giving up on me. It seems I may be coming to a point where I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. That's not true. I can't see the light yet, but I know it's there. One thing I did come to realize is that it is not always me. I've always approached things with a "what did I do wrong", or "Why should this person like me", and I think I've sold myself short. The question I should have been asking was "Why should I like them".