Right Now

Right now I am overwhelmed with sadness. A sadness that I neither understand nor have any control over.
Right now my son is acting like he hates me again, and I just don't know why.
Right now I am wondering if I subconsciously cause all other living beings to be repelled.
Right now I want my son to love me. Right now all of my loved ones are in some form of turmoil, and I am paralyzed with the rancor at my own inability to help. Right now I am mindful of my infinite shortcomings. Right now I am in fear that if I one day I haven't even worthy advice to offer, people will no longer come to call on me. Right now I worry that I have failed all of you. Right now I am scared that I only have thirteen hours and 49 minutes to relocate the fervor for my 2009 plans that I possessed yesterday.

Hi There.

Wow have I been caught up lately. The holidays, the snow storm, trying to rearrange the house to accommodate the boy's new toys. *sigh* It feels like I am in a constant state of cleaning up. If it's not the house, it's something. It's always something. The last couple mornings the Not-Better-Half has been at the computer before the morning dishes are done, and therefore I don't get a chance at the computer until the afternoon. Usually by the time that rolls around, I have lost all interest. But I think I see my kitchen under the debris.

Holy Snowballs Batman!

Oh wow, I seem to remember saying something the other day about wanting snow. Hmmm. It's been snowing now steadily since Wednesday. W-O-W WOW!!! I have never seen so much snow for such a long period of time. When I was a child my family would sometimes spend a few days at a time in a small town in Northern California, I believe it was called Strawberry. I know a few times we went to Longbarn. Before I meander right on off the path, there are about two feet of snow in my front yard. Our back walkway is almost a snow tunnel these days. I really can't help it, I think it's grand. I actually prayed for snow a couple of weeks ago. I am so enamored with the idea of a white Christmas. This will be my first snowed in Christmas. I don't know, maybe there is something wrong with me, but I love it. We have plenty of supplies for a few days, and nowhere to be other than home. I am romanticized by the idea of just my little family spending quiet snowy days whiling away the hours. Doing the things that families do. Building ships out of blocks, for his pirates "Pip" and "Barry". Watching the Christmas specials that have been on for years... and a couple new ones too. For the first time finding solace from the O.C.D. train. Sitting for a while viewing God's wonder in each airy flake. No cars at night, so quiet you can hear the snow alighting on the drifts. I could sit, idle for hours just watching it float down.
The atmosphere around the homestead has been pleasant as of late, the snow I prayed for is here, (and the white Christmas (maybe, if it stays the way it looks), I was to embarrassed to pray for after having the snow start to fall, *smile*). I have a happy, healthy and extraordinarily smart son. I have his mostly intact, (minus the thumb, smile), father to help me raise him. I have the most awesome best friend on Earth, maybe even Mars. I still have both my parents, who I got to spend an early Christmas with last week. I have the greatest brother God could have given me. There are of course problems in my life, and the lives of others connected to me, but right now I'm okay. My prayers have been answered, even the ones that I didn't need. Thank you Jesus, for everything.

The parentals came up from California to celebrate Christmas last week. The trip had to be cut short as the snow was about to come in. Here are a couple of pictures and who knows, there may even be a video post in the near future.




Yeah I know, my hair looks awesome, but you can kind of see my tree in this picture. I don't think I like it. It needs more ornaments. Definitely, definitely more ornaments.

Nana and Papa bought him a coonskin cap! I know, the picture seems to be awfully blurry.

Phoenix opening his new uber drum pad. *smile*

On our way back from sabbatical in California last August we stopped at our cousin Sabrina's house. Here are a couple pictures of Phoenix and Layla's first meeting.

We didn't get to stay for very long, but I was very glad to see them. Sabrina has had the baby since these pictures were taken. Baby Charles was a healthy Eight pounds and three ounces.

This is Layla with her grandma, my Aunt Rhonda. We didn't get to spend much time with her because it was late when we came in and she had to get up really early in the morning. She works in Oregon for eight months a year, and then lives in Canada the rest of the time. Sometimes we are lucky and get to see her when she is passing through
.
Phoenix really like Layla's toys. Too bad he would much rather go backward than forward.

Okay Snow, what the f*ck?

For days and days the reports have been loud and long. "Cold Snap Coming!." Everywhere you go, someone is asking if you are prepared to hunker down for the coming days. It was supposed to get to the really cold part starting yesterday, and going all the way to next Saturday. Don't get me wrong, it's colder than it's been here since, I believe it was, 1993. Whatever the exact year, it was when Mike was a freshman in high school, so it was a while back. *Smile* The wretchedly ironic thing about the weather right now is this. This is Washington, it rains here from, oh I don't know, September to June/July, but it rarely gets cold enough to snow. We are usually hovering just about freezing. Thus we have, really, really, fucking really cold rain for the most part. So here we are, it's twenty-two degrees outside. Is it too much to ask for a drop of precipitation or five?
Oh wait, there was yesterday. How could I forget yesterday? When it did snow all day, it just only stuck for a few minutes at a time.

Happy December

My parents are safely home and the snow has begun to fall. Yesterday it was snowy when I woke up, but it all melted off by mid-morning. Today is the big day that all the weather channels have been talking about. Honestly, I expected to wake up and find the ground already covered in white. Not yet, but it is snowing out there. For some reason, just the thought of the impending cold snap, has left me wanting to sit around and be lethargic.
This time the house wasn't as insane as it usually is after company. So it was nice to be able to relax relatively quickly after all the excitement. There were cookies and laughing and a gift wrap tornado before all was said and done. Dad didn't manage to get his haircut from Susan, but we survived. *smile* Phoenix was pleasantly surprised with a new drum pad. (I think Mike was also pretty excited about the new drum pad. To my utter delight, was a new Guitar Hero game. I have played quite a lot in the last few days. Hmm maybe that has something to do with the lethargy regarding everything else. *Smile* There was ton of other things too. A new mixer, a new travel mug coffee pot thingy, clothes. You get the picture. *Grin*
The Christmas cookie plates did manage to make it to the neighbors the night before my parents arrival, I am happy to report. In other awesomeness, someone liked my cookies so much that she bought me a plant! I was excited, because I really wanted a poinsettia and wasn't planning on being able to get one. Attached to the bow was a little toy jeep for Phoenix. I thought that was really nice of her. Anyway, off to wait for the snow to stick.

Merry Christmas to Me!

Mom and Dad are almost here! We are celebrating with them over the next couple days. We are even slated to have snow! It sucks that I cannot be home for the holidays, but home coming to me is going to be good too. I am so happy to be seeing my family, since I won't be coming home for a while.

No really, those are for the neighbors

After hours and hours of baking yesterday/ last night, the will power in him broke. I think he must have ate a dozen cookies. At least he stuck to one kind and I will only spend part of today rebaking, as it were, is that a word? Hmmm yes I see it now. Rebaking- The act of replacing the holiday cookies your Not-Better-Half eats before the Christmas plates go out.

Holy Cookies, Batman!

Today is the day I am going to make cookies for my Christmas plates for the neighbors. I may end up doing this again as I have two more gifts that I haven't got. They are both for men, so I figure if I have no luck shopping this next time, then cookies should be good. Who doesn't love home made cookies? Yesterday was obviously a bust in the shopping department, I hope it goes better this afternoon. Merry almost Christmas!!!

Blah!

Shopping sucks!


The end.

And A Merry Christmas To You Too Sir!

Dear Kalamites, Kalamans, or whatever you choose to be called,
I own exactly one beanie. I am sorry that it is black. I am also sorry that I wear the same black sweat shirt whenever I go out. I do own an Aerapostle, or however you spell it, hoodie. It lives in my closet because it is too big, and when I wear it I look like a sad M&M. I am sorry I do not buy new shiny things to wear and impress you with. Anything I don't need, I can save the money for something my child needs...or something else for him, (or someone else), for Christmas. I am sorry that my black messenger bag is weird, and that the reusable grocery bags that are inside it, are even weirder. Did you know a plastic grocery bag will last twenty years in a land fill. I have a son, maybe someday I will have another. I want to preserve things for them. I want to teach them the joy of vegetables that they cultivated. I want them to know that what is inside them is so much more important than the clothes they put on them.
Dear Kalama, I am sorry that you do not understand why I still smile and say "Merry Christmas!" when you are scowling. It's because I am a christian. It's not my job to be mean back. And I can't let your actions change who I am inside. Who I am is the girl who will keep smiling at you, because someday, you might smile back.

What More Than Sorry Can I Be

I don't have a lot of words today. So here is a Ben Harper song that seems to pretty accurately express what I feel today.


goodbye
hasn't been so good to me
stepped out into the night
back against the moon
i saw ten thousand hands with candlelight
we all think that we're right
it's hard to tell
if the night is full of hope or doom

what more than sorry can i say
what more than sorry can i be
before our love fades away
what more than sorry
do you want from me

my eyes
burn with unshed tears
my body is weak
from so many silent years
too many people say goodbye
before they say hello
step into the morning
and disappear

what more than sorry can i say
what more than sorry can i be
before our love fades away
what more than sorry
do you want from me

what more than sorry can i say
what more than sorry can i be
before our love fades away
what more than sorry
do you want from me

I just wanted to say...

There are a few things that I have wanted to say to a few people in my life, and have yet to do so. So here in no particular order, are things I would like to say. If you think I am talking to you, I just might be. Ask. Some might be things you need to hear, even if they weren't originally meant for you.

I want you to know that you are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for.
I want you to know that you are strong enough to leave.
I want you to know that I love you, even if I am too embarrassed to utter the phrase.
I want you to know that I value your friendship, even though I am not sure that you value me.
I want you to know that everybody hurts.
I want you to know that knowing you has shaped part of me.
I want you to know that it is okay to hope. Sometimes it's all we have.
I want you to know that there is someone out there that God made just for you.
I want you to know that I am always in your heart.
I want you to know how much you make me hurt.
I want you to know that I am not as strong as I want to be.
I want you to know that it's okay to let me in.
I want you to know that there is nothing more than sorry, that I can be.
I want you to know that you're worth it.
I want you to know that you can write that novel.
I want you to know that it will get better.
I want you to know that I will help you in any way I can.
I want you to know that I am scared too.

Aw, F*ck It.

Yesterday I went Christmas shopping. I've been saving money up to move, for a few months now. Couldn't take it anymore. The year has been bad all around, and damn it my kid is going to have an awesome Christmas, come hell or high water. I bought him a recliner. It's so fricken cute. I also found the cutest "God's Little Princess Bible" for Layla. I was actually about to buy her a velor track suit, but I wasn't sure what her mommy would think about that. I don't know, I may end up getting it anyway, lol. The little bible was way too cute to pass up though. It has a little crown on the front. I am glad she had a girl so that I have one to buy for. Now all I have to do is get some gift boxes, stocking stuffers, and tape.

Happy December

I've been listening to the ships blowing their fog horns all night. If I don't look out the window, I can imagine myself all the way to the ocean. It's December, and outside it is nothing but gloom. This is Kalama, the one place on earth where it can simultaneously pour rain and be fogged in.

Cocky Is As Cocky Does

There was no way my Thanksgiving was going to be anything but good for my son. Therefore I set off on a mission to be "nice" come hell or high water. Almost immediately upon the arrival of Mike's parents I found myself reprising a former "emotional armor" role. The next thing I knew, I was projecting an air of overconfidence, bubbly little house wifey, and lame joke teller extraordinaire. I was going to have a good holiday damn it. I made every dish I could think of. I made an extra pie for her to take home. I made three pies for 5 people, and twenty-four, yes twenty-four deviled eggs. There were attempts to find the weak spot in the chain mail, but they were thwarted. I made a few comments that would dare not be uttered by any one but EvilLynn in a Santa hat. At one point she was commenting on how advanced Phoenix is. Without a moments hesitation, I quipped "Well his parents ARE geniuses", I almost pissed myself. But here it is people. The lamest joke I have ever uttered.

Shrek, Angelina Jolie, and Brad Pitt are sitting around talking. Shrek says "I wonder if I am the strongest man in the world". Brad says, " I wonder if I am the sexiest man alive". Angelina says "I wonder if I am the most beautiful woman in the world". The three decide to consult the famous magic mirror of fairytales. The next day Shrek comes in smiling and says "I AM the strongest man in the world". Brad follows with "I AM the sexiset man alive"! But Angelina comes in with a sad look on her face. All she says is "Who the hell is Lynn M___"?

Yes, I said that out loud. And then had to keep myself from collapsing in fits of laughter at my own absurdity and utter lack of disregard for my own appearance to the people around me. Believe me I was a total jackass with a capital ASS. But eventually she had to crack. You can't be mean to the court jester with an ego who baked you a pie. LOL

Turkey Day, The Aftermath

Thanksgiving here was hectic. Yes, only five people were here, but two of them were Mike's parents. I did dishes until 11:00 p.m., they are still not even down to fitting all in the sink. What really sucks though, is that I did dishes all day long, and had deluded myself into thinking I had any kind of a grasp on the situation. Mike's parental units arrived at around 2:00 p.m., and they didn't leave until 7:00 p.m. last night. At first my potatoes went soupy, but thankfully they dried up. Then I over estimated the amount of stuffing I made. Basically it looked like I had more ingredients than I actually did. Ironically, I swore that was not going to be enough, and it was the only dish that I didn't grossly overdo. I probably made everything else as if I was feeding 15 people. Oh well, I'm not the only one. Mike's only task was the turkey. OH MY GOD, when he brought home a 22 pound turkey on Monday, I could only marvel at the way-to-big-for-ten-let alone-five-people behemoth. "I wanted to make sure we had enough to make turkey sandwiches tomorrow" he says. Oh boy howdy do I have some leftover turkey. I have enough bleeping turkey to last me until Christmas! By then he'll have bought a gigantic Christams ham to last us until Easter no doubt.

I think...

My passion is waiting for my fortitude to reach the same level.

Tag, I'm it.

I have been tagged for another writing prompt. For your reading pleasure, ten facts regarding food and myself.

1. I love grapes, but hate all things grape flavored.
   
2. I never eat fast food, it makes me ill. But sometimes I crave Jack in the Box, if I give in, I regret it later. But then I eventually do it again.
3. I secretly want to have my own gourmet herb and spice shop.
   
4. I want to travel to places sometimes only to try the food.
5. I heart good food. I am excited about all the different flavors and textures that are out there.
   
6. I am of hispanic descent and I HATE cilantro!!!!
7. I think being unable to by the things that I would like to at the super market, has rendered me passionless for cooking.
8. I hope it comes back.
9. I wish my friend lived closer, so we could take the chocolate class at the college.
10. I don't dig processed food, but every night at 11:00 p.m. I must get up and eat cheese its. Every night without fail. Cheese its, mmm.
    

Just thought you might want to know...

I CAN'T WAIT FOR CHRISTMAS!!!

Hiatus

Thanksgiving is around the corner and I'm going a million miles a minute. The entries will be a bit few and far between for a couple of days, but everyone is busy right about now. I'm sure the day after will be back to normal, right up until Christmas, where I'll have to take another break. *smiles*

Again?

Today I am writing, or trying to write, my Christmas cards. They will in no way be as awesome as my best friend's, (otherwise known as the Christmas Card Guru), but they will be heart felt. Things have been more than hectic. The brother, the dad, the in-laws, Thanksgiving, the creepy older man, money, and trying to keep from smoking. Whew, that is a lot of things to think about constantly along with the rest of the day's normal thinking. I need an emotional nap.

I Remember When...

48 and Counting

Happy birthday dad! Forty-eight big ones. I miss you dad, I wish we could be there to spend it with you. I'm sure your fine though, *smiles*, I called to tell you and Mom said you were at the Bass Pro shop. I'm going to keep this short, that way, you have to make it to forty-nine in order to receive the long, drawn out birthday wishes.

Happy Sunday!

Haha, that's really all I wanted to say. It's foggy all the way up to the window here. So today we are having a lazy pajama Sunday. The week has been hectic, and the drama bountiful, so it's time for a break. I hope Monday brings a calmer week. *Smiles*

Past, Present and Future?

The November issue of Kalama's own coffee break was pretty funny this time. I think it was because it seemed to contain an anecdote about what could be my past, present, and future.


Past:
One Saturday morning Anne's father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning.
At 11:30 that same morning Anne sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad, " she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."

Present:
There was an unexpected knock on my door, I looked through the peephole and asked, "Who's there?"
"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature."
"Could I see some ID?"
"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house, I'd probably just use these," and showed me the keys I'd left in the front door.

Future:
A little old lady boarded a bus. Every ten minutes she'd ask the bus driver, "Have we reached Mapleton yet?"
"No, lady, not yet. I'll let you know," he replied, time after time.
Finally the little town came into view. Thr driver pulled over and called out, "This is where you get out, lady."
"Is this Mapleton?"
"YES!" he bellowed. "Get out!"
"Oh, I'm going all the way to Albany, sonny," she explained sweetly. "It's just that my daughter told me that when we got this far, I should take my blood pressure pill."


Hope you smiled at least a little.

Crap, what do I do now?

Anybody who knows me, knows that I am not one for being touched just because. And that goes doubly for people I do not know. So the other day when I was walking home from the store and a man in front of the old folks apartments on the corner stepped out into my path I was a little off put, but it gets worse. This man has waved or whatever from a distance a few times. Once he asked me what I was listening to. A few months ago I commented to Mike that he kind of gives me the heeeby jeebies, but that seemed to be the scope of it. I was wrong. So, he is now in between home and me, and very in my personal space. He's making polite conversation, but he's so close that I can smell his breath, and I am frightened. I tell him I need to get home to my son and his father. He reached up and grabbed my face with this lecherous look on his face and said "you want a ride?", in that voice that makes your skin crawl. On one hand, as I type this I kind of feel stupid. Like people will think it's no big deal. But I don't care. Honestly even if there weren't things in my past that might condition me to be more wary of things, I still think this would have creeped me out.
Anyway here we are three days or so later, and I just got back from sprinting past the building on my way home from the store. I could force Mike to go to the store, but it's my one little bit of outside exercise I get a day. And I'm a little pissed that I am now scared to walk down the street in broad day light. Now I want to move all the sooner, and I have debated on changed my route to a much longer one to go to the store. Am I wrong for being upset/scared?

In full swing

Thanksgiving preparation is in full swing around here. The menu is all planned, I think. The breakdown list of each dish and it's ingredients is being worked on, and a shopping trip is in the planning. There is only two other people coming, but I am making place cards anyway damn it! This is after all the first year that we are hosting. Wish me luck. I am off to go work on making a new cookie.

When it rains...it fucking hails.

The posts have been a bit sparse these days. That is do to an unpredicted storm in the parental/sibling area. Plus some unexpected weirdo yesterday, (another post). As it stands right now. My drug addled brother made an appearance. My mother is spent, my father is destroyed, my brother has gone back to whatever rock he crawled out from under, and I have aged 10 years.

Christmas Decorating on the Sly

I love to decorate for Christmas. I believe it should begin the day after Halloween. But then there is every single male I know saying, "What about Thanksgiving"? I don't have a single Thanksgiving decoration. I wouldn't even know where to begin. It's been rainy and dark, and family has been messy, and I just want to try to lift my spirits with a little Christmas cheer. So Tuesday I bought some snowflake decals to put on the windows. Okay so I feel a little better I suppose. Wednesday I wrote the Christmas card list. And as of yesterday I only have 3 more addresses to locate. On Thursday I dug out my box of bows,(which happens to be painted like a Christmas present), and happened to forget it on top of the entertainment center. I believe it was yesterday that I cleaned the hall closet and "found" the Nutcracker that I forgot Mike's dad gave me last year. It is next to the box of bows now. I don't own many decorations, but I'm sneaking out what I can, damn it!

I can't wait!

I can't wait for Christmas time. I can't wait to spend insane hours in the kitchen baking cookies and cakes and candies. I can't wait to deliver plates of goodies to the neighbors. I can't wait to drink white hot chocolate in my Christmas cups and watch Charlie Brown. I can't wait to hang my stockings. I can't wait to decorate. Well I'm not waiting as I put snowflakes on my windows yesterday. I also made my Christmas card list, or started to. This leaves less of a chance for me to forget any one. Don't get me wrong. I am excited about Thanksgiving. But for me, it's like the kick off to Christmas time. They just go together in my brain. On Thanksgiving you have a big grand dinner. Ending the evening with stuffed bellies, plates of left overs to take home, and contented sighs. My Thanksgiving has a short period in between eating and leaving that always turns to planning for Christmas. Every one decides what their respective plans are, and how they wish they could decorate if it was affordable. Thanksgiving will be here this year with his parents. I have already strategically placed my Christmas decorations box where I can get to it the second they leave.

Already?

"Brother,...baby brother, Phoenix brother."
*Sigh*
This is what I woke up to yesterday morning. My son wants a brother. Where did he see that? Isn't he too young to be asking for a brother? This is what I get. This is what happens when you work with your kid all the time. He becomes too smart for your own good. He knows what he wants, and damn it Mom, that's a brother. There is absolutely no way we can afford a baby right now. And damn if he doesn't have perfect timing. I have been contemplating his being an only child for a little while now. So of course it's now that he decides its time for a sit down talk. You think I'm joking. He came out of his room. Tugged my hand all the way to the couch, motioned for me to sit down, climbed up to eye level, took my face in his little hands and said, " Brother,...baby brother, Phoenix brother". I'm sure that would go over well with his dad, lol.

Mom let me have candy

I hope everyone had a safe and happy Halloween. Here are a few pictures from our night.

Getting ready to go Trick-or-Treating with Daddy, Chris, and Cassady.


Trying to get to the candy while it's being sorted.


No Mom, I did not shove that whole candy in my mouth.

The candle, both ends really burn

Nothing has come spewing out of my brain for two days now. Three hundred times a day "I need to blog about that" runs through my mind. For the last two days I have done a whole lot of worrying. Yesterday I worried so much that I didn't do the usual Sunday deep cleaning of my house. Money, housing, food, job, school, money housing, food, job, school. Over and over, thoughts of these things ricochet off of each other in the confines of my skull. It's hard to wade a logical line through stress brain soup. I am beginning to wonder if going to sleep is worth it right now. Dreams often amplify fears of what could be if things continue on this trajectory. Up, down, up, down, all night long. Waking up more tired than the day before. The day before when you woke up thinking you couldn't remember the last time you were THIS tired.

Trick or Treat

Our parents would let us keep going until we were ready to drop. our grandmother hand made each of us our own pillow case sized trick-or-treat bags. Mine was green with a plastic lining sewn on the inside. Every year, (at least my elementary school ones), my mom and aunts would break out the sewing machines and think up our costumes. The five of us, our parents, and one aunt who was short enough to trick or treat, loaded up in the back of my dad's truck, exited to the point of bursting. Trick-or-Treating here we come! back to the truck we'd clamor, neighborhood after neighborhood. Our parents probably took bets on how long we would last. But patiently they'd wait, no matter how many times we came back saying, "just one more block!" *smile* Then to the house for the painstaking waiting. Waiting for mom to complete the meticulous inspection of the loot. *grins* I bet it didn't take the hours that I remember.

Now it's my turn to inspect the candy. Last year Phoenix got dressed up only to go to the neighbor's houses and come home. This year Daddy and Chris are taking him out and Mommy is passing out candy at Jenny's. He's still a little small for the marathons, so I'll join them next year. I hope he grows up to have as many happy Halloween memories as I do.

"Mom there's a raccoon in the palm tree"!

Lynn: "What did he say?"
Mom: " Yeah, I seen him yesterday. At first I left the door open so he could come inside. Then I thought raccoons are smart. I don't want to deal with him getting in the fridge, in the middle of the night, and making a mess. So I just left some food and water out on the porch. He's just a little one."

This is not an unusual phone conversation with my mom. I remember growing up there. Being late for class because my brother and I picked up an injured baby hawk on the way. Rachel, my mom's best friend, and the baby opossums she was raising in her living room. A few dogs, a couple of birds, some fish, three pet chickens, and my mom's herd of Siamese cats.

Then it dawns on me. Up to this point my ultimate dream life would consist of going to school forever. What about animals? A wild life refuge? We want to be away from hordes of people don't we? And I've taken to naming the random creatures that frequent my front lawn. (We aren't allowed to have pets here) There is a lot more to my epiphany, but it would be pates long were I to try and writ it all here. Suffice it to say, who knew something my brother said in passing could possibly steer me in a new direction.

Movies Revisited

So a few days ago I posted a list of the top ten movies that day that I would watch over and over. Of course, the second it was posted I thought of more, lots more. So here in and in no order, are the movies that I could think of off the top of my head to watch over and over. Also is a list of categories that are personal favorites also.

1. Swiss Family Robinson
2. The Explorers
3. The Goonies
4. A Christmas Story
5. Wizard of Oz
6. The Princess Bride
7. Buffalo 66
8. Pumkin
9. Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
10. Grandma's Boy
11. Saved!
12. The Nightmare Before Christmas
13. Boondock Saints
14. Trainspotting
15. Zoom
16. Flight of the Navigator
17. The Life of Bryan
18. Death Becomes Her
19. Hocus Pocus
20. Bubble Boy
21. Fight Club
22. Donnie Darko
23. Rock and Roll High School
24. Sky High
25. The Dark Crystal
26. Blazing Saddles
27. The Lost Boys
    

And the favorites that it's just easier to list the whole category than the film title are

1. Documentaries
2. Harry Potter movies
3. Kevin Smith films
4. Johnny Depp movies
5. Movies that have vampires, ghosts, goblins, etc.
6. Happy-Madison films

I'm sure this is going to be one of those things that is continually evolving. Up next is probably going to be a list of my favorite books as of right now.

Fairy Make-Up Mother

Five years ago I had a nice corporate job. I could buy all the shoes and make-up that I wanted. But at that time I hadn't discovered my inner make-up maven. *smiles* I still have some shoes that have managed to survive my periodic purging of things. But as it stands in the make-up category I own, oh, about four barrels of MAC eye make-up. I haven't been bothering with cosmetics too much these last couple of years, I've been too busy being somebody's mama. So it's getting a little easier now to sneak a few "me" minutes and put on some color. Now, I don't bother with foundation, and I can't put on blush without looking like I'm heading to the circus for work, but I love the other stuff. I love lipstick, and mascara, and eyeliner, and especially eye shadow. These are the ones I am actually good at. *sigh* I have also spent my whole life being the person who just couldn't spend money on me, when I could spend it on you. So while I rediscovered the joy of make-up I still won't be buying any more. There is always going to be diapers, shoes, food, toys, or something else that Phoenix may need or want. I will probably always wish I had overflowing tins of cosmetic goodness like my friends do. Too bad for me, there is no such thing as a fairy make-up mother. So I will continue to use what I have until I run out, or before it becomes too toxic, or until Phoenix is 18+. If not I will be happy being plain jane mommy, he loves her just the same.

Phoenix Rising

We spent Labor Day over at Chris and Jenny's house. On Saturday I was surprised to find a card containing a couple of snapshots from that day in our mail box. I don't have a camera so here are the most recent pictures of him that aren't taken on a camera phone.

Coming soon!

There are several posts that have been renting out space in my brain and it's eviction time. So in light of organizing my brain I am going to commit myself to writing previous thoughts before the new ones pop in. As it stands there are about fifteen taking up memory space. Here are the first couple on the list.

1. Fairy Make-Up Mother
2. Movies revisited
3. Rich girl, poor girl
4. Mom, there's a raccoon in the palm tree
5. Phoenix Rising
6. My Fluffy Pink Dream Christmas

Happy Almost Halloween!

There has been a ton of talk about Christmas lately, but Halloween is only a week away! So I wanted to wish every one a safe and happy one. Last year Phoenix was a pirate for Halloween. It's way cold here in October, and when it's time to Trick-or-Treat there is always a 50/50 chance of rain. This year my parents came up for a visit and bought him an Elmo costume. I will take pictures on the crappy phone as I still have not replaced the camera that blew up.

My Favorite Ornament

Wow, this is going to be sort of strange. I only just began having my own tree to decorate in 2005. Money has been tight and so the decorations I bought then, are still the decorations I have now. They consist of sparkly snowflakes, blue and white swirly Christmas balls, and some clear ones. I would have said my favorite was the iridescent angle tree topper, but it broke beyond all repair last year. So my favorite ornament is one I have yet to get. This year I am really excited to hopefully be changing it up a bit. Who knows, maybe I'll meet a crazy Christmas decorator who wants to downsize their collection, *smiles*.

Don't be shy! Write about your favorite Christmas ornament and leave a comment here to enter the contest:

Christmas Giveaway Contest

Movies according to Lynn

Today I thought I'd share my top ten favorite movies to watch over and over. They are in no particular order.

1. Swiss Family Robinson
2. The Explorers
3. The Goonies
4. A Christmas Story
5. The Wizard of Oz
6. The Princess Bride
7. Buffalo 66
8. Pumkin
9. Grandma's Boy
10. Lost Boys

Crap I just thought of another. So the bonus movie is Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

Allie's Writing Contest

Okay I am computer challenged today. My best friend is holding monthly giveaways on her blog. Part of the deal is linking the contest to your blog so other people can participate. For some unknown reason, I am unable to accomplish this feat. So I am doing the next best thing. To enter the contest please go to www.curvatude.blogspot.com and look under the GiveAwayContests lable. You're blogger challenged bud, Lynn

edit: I may have got it, try this

http://curvatude.blogspot.com/2008/10/10-weeks-giveaway.html

Surprise, surprise!

At five o'clock this morning I was unable to go to sleep. Sometime last night during my normal conversation with my mom, I realized she was up to something. I knew she was driving and I knew it was later in the evening, and she's a bad liar. So in the back of my head where the voice was saying, "they are on the way here", was also coming the thought, "you better drink some coffee". But, there was a slight miscalculation on my part. I figured that they were probably farther away than I thought they were, and I was going to have to stay up later waiting for them to call. So I drank two cups. Not only is two cups more than my brain can handle on Mike normal uber coffee, he bought something different yesterday. Apparently it was cut with rocket fuel. I literally could feel my brain twitching. Even worse, they called at oh, eleven, the normal time I try and hit the hey. There were no dishes to do, there was no laundry to fold, there were no beds to be made. I am a reformed Pepsi addict, and have had no form of caffeine for at least a few days, (hey everybody has relapses), and two cups of this stuff was all around a bad idea. I thought about blogging, but I couldn't sit still. I thought about calling A. back, but I'd already all but talked her ear off, geez, her head was probably spinning already. So I watched comedy central.

What exactly IS wrong with me?

There was no post yesterday. It wasn't because I could think of nothing to say, it was because I had entirely too much too say, and I didn't know how. I wanted to write a post to my son. My best friend writes posts to her daughter often. They are wrapped in love, and sealed with a promise. We talked on the phone last night and I started to tell her of my dilemma. I love my son more than the picture my humble words could ever paint. But it's just hard for me to put these types of sentiment down sometimes. She said it was hard for her at first, but it got easier, and she wanted her to know how she felt should something ever happened to her. I expressed my newly realized fear of this now. She tried to be helpful and said she would tell him I liked him. Someone beeped in for Mike, and I was left alone with my brain to ponder this last statement. At first my feelings were bruised. Why wouldn't she tell him I LOVED him? I know she would, and being as she is my best friend, she was probably trying to make me laugh. I was a little too far in the trapped by my own thoughts phase though. Oddly the phone was busy last night, and it wasn't for me. I spent a lot of time on auto pilot, lost somewhere inside me cerebellum. Thinking about the fact, that there is no forever, and so many people have had to leave my life early, and I've already been handed my ticket, that I've got to figure out some way for him to know. My own little private random thoughts book is not enough. Besides what if he never found it. So while I know that after I'm gone people will tell him he was my everything, it's up to me to do it while I'm still here.

I got tagged

...for a photo blog, unfortunately I don't have six people to tag. I do have a photo though. I was lucky enough to have a bunch on my desktop, because if I didn't I'd spend half the day trying to find one in the maze that is our computer. Mikey puts everything in a different place, and I usually give up in frustration before pictures ever get posted. The rules were to pick the sixth photo in your folder. On this I also lucked out because the sixth picture on my desktop is one Phoenix's Godmother took of him on his second birthday. She takes good pictures. Next year I think I'll pay her instead of the studio, as they don't do so hot...but that's another post. So here it is, the sixth pic on my desktop, and the seventh too because I like it too. *smile*

When OCD's collide

Okay I admit it, I have a problem with incessant cleaning. It could be worse though...right? I am continually bleaching, and sweeping, and mopping, and laundering... you get the point. So a few days ago, when I literally had nothing left to clean, I picked up one of my old video games. When I got my guitar hero, I had to try to get a one hundred percent on everything. I had to buy all the extra guitars, and songs, and whatever other accoutrement there was to be had. When I got my dance dance revolution, I had to try every single fricken song before I could try something else. When I got each of my Final Fantasy's I spent enormous amounts of time making my characters "awesome". Final Fantasy Ten was a good hundred and fifty hours of time I'll never get back. But at least then I had two things to do, go to work at my kick ass job, or play my play station. Hey I was 21 okay? I could have been way worse. So the other day when I busted it out for the I think third time, I figured, what the hell, I won't over do it this time, I'm much older. Last night when there were five dishes in the sink and I was feeling guilty about them, but too busy making my characters more uber, I came to a realization, rather two realizations. One, I will always have some kind of mild OCD. (But truth be told, I don't think having a tidy house, is a bad one, after all I could need to repeat the same action 8 times every time). And two, the only thing that will stop me from OCD cleaning, is *sigh* OCD something else, usually video game related. Oh well, I've heard guys dig chicks who play video games. Mike doesn't complain about it anyway. Lmfao

Par for the course

Yesterday started with the realization that I only had three eggs, no mustard, and one dryer sheet. *Sigh* I cooked one of the eggs, and of course Phoenix decided he didn't like eggs today. Joy. I talk to my BFF for what is never enough time... we both have very willful toddlers. *Smile* I inevitably unload more of my current inner turmoil than I wanted to, and today feel guilty about that. *Sigh* I'll do better tonight... if she calls. I wouldn't blame her if she needed a break from me. But I digress, back to Craptastic Sunday. Phoenix refuses lunch and is sent to his nap, screeches rivaling a howler monkey. I get in some more BFF phone time, and do some character leveling on Final Fantasy while getting an hour in on the exercise ball. Endorphins my ass. I do not feel better. In fact, I'm not sure what you do with this thing besides bounce. Oh well, at least the heart rate is up. Phoenix wakes up in a less than stellar mood and is immediately sent back to his room for assaulting his mother with a kick to the shin. He throws things, screams things like "why" and "noooooo". Punctuating this mammoth tantrum with a horrid guttural noise that he picked up from an eight year old menace. Terrible twos suck ass! The foray into holy terror lasts for forty five minutes, no joke. I wish I was exaggerating. Now I need to drag the garbage can up the hill. So I unlock the door and then nearly pull my arm out of socket when it refuses to budge. What now? Apparently the doorknob is broken. Enter "manly man" who practically shoves the "little lady" aside to fix the problem. *Grrrrr* Um, who was on HER way to take care of the garbage? I'm just saying. An hour later Phoenix is banished to bed. Oh yeah, he refused his dinner too. Full on melt down. Any way the door eventually has to be pulled off the hinges. It's Fifty degrees outside. Brilliant. When it does come off, the inner workings of the doorknob disintegrate and fall to the ground like a bag of candy. Crap. So at 7:30 p.m. Mike's dad is here with a new doorknob and a receipt for the landlord. Awesome. An hour later I have a new doorknob, a child who is still not asleep, and a headache. But I've logged another hour on the exercise ball. For what is I think the first time in my life, I am looking forward to Monday.

More comic relief

There will be another post either today or tomorrow with actual content, but for now an excerpt from this weeks "Coffee Break" that I found a little funny.

A little boy needed $50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $50. When the post office received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the president.
The president was so amused t hat he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted to have received the $5 bill and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
"Dear God: 'Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington D.C., an, as usual, those turkeys kept $45 in taxes.'"

A-Z survey

Today I checked A's blog first, and there was a survey. I am addicted to surveys. But it's a good one, and I hadn't got today's blog fully thought out yet, so here goes some filler!


-A -
Available: Only on days that end with "y", yeah I'm a loser
Age: 28
Annoyance: Science has yet to give me a teleportation device, or Washington, or the 600 or so miles between me and home
-B -
Best feature: my heart
Beer: Yes please, oh wait, its 8:35 in the morning
Birthday: April 14
-C -
Crush: Orange, grape sucks
Car: crashed it 5 years ago
Candy: Abbazabba you're my only friend, (in Washington)
-D -
Day or night: doesn't matter, it's always dark here
Dream car: 1934 3 window coupe
Dogs or Cats: Both
-E -
Egg nog: not right now
E-mail: No one ever does
-F -
Favorite colour(s): Chrome
Favorite Band: Me First and the Gimme Gimmies
-G -
Gummy Bears or Worms: Sour patch kids
Giver or taker: Giver
-H -
Hair Color: Dark brownish red
Height: 5' 1" if measured with thick shoes on, ;)
Happy: One of my favorite dwarves
-I -
Ice Cream: gives me heart burn, but I still eat the Raider's one
Instrument: Phoenix's accordian
Idol: my brother Amos
-J -
Jewelry: Three rings, one from my mom, and two that were my grandma's
Job: domestic engineer, music maker, dreamer of dreams
Jail: not yet thank God
-K -
Kids: Phoenix
Kickboxing or karate: Mui Thai
Kindergarten: I used to practice counting at recess, I didn't have any friends
-L -
Longest Car Ride: To Missouri and back for my brother's graduation from Basic Training
-M -
Meat: I heart poultry
Most missed person: Robert Virgen
Movie Last Watched: Zoom
-N -
Number of Siblings: I have a brother
Name: apparently yesterday it was elephant, thanks son
-O -
One wish: I'd really dig that teleporter
One regret: That I can't go back
-P -
Part of your appearance you like best: yellow converse
Perfectionist: I try
-Q -
Quick or Slow: Quick to notice, too slow to catch him most of the time
Quiet or loud: loud
-R -
Reason to smile: Phoenix
Reality TV Shows: I like game shows
-S -
Song Last Heard: Superman by Five for Fighting, it was in the movie
Season: There is only one in Washington, WET
Shoes you're wearing: none
-T -
Time you woke up: I got out of bed at 7:30
Time you went to bed: I tried to sleep all night, but I went to bet at 10:45
Time Now: 8:49 a.m.
Time for bed: can't come soon enough
-U -
Unpredictable: I'm so damn unpredictable you already know it's coming *smile*
Underwear: polka dotted
-V -
Vegetable you hate: I don't do radishes
Vegetable you love: broccoli, squash, potatoes, ah I heart most of them
Vacation spot: beach
-W-
Worst habit: self deprecation
Where are you going to next: the post office
Weather: Rain
-X -
X-tra special someone: I can count them on my fingers
X-rays: I glow now, probably shouldn't have any more if possible
-Y -
Year it is now: 2008
Yellow: I vaguely remember an orb in the sky that was that color, I believe in California they call it the sun
-Z -
Zoo Animal: Bush babies
Zodiac Sign: Aries

It backfired

This morning I was getting ready to go to the post office to see if something I'd been expecting had arrived. Of course this meant that Mike was going to ask me to get him cigarettes because well, he's trying to quit. Yeah I don't get it either. Anyway if I'm going to have to get his cigarettes he's going to have to deal with me getting something for myself. I break down and get myself a Pepsi and a bag of salt and vinegar kettle chips. When I get home I open the bag, and of course, even though he doesn't know what they are, Phoenix starts in with "I want one!". Now, I never give the boy chips, the only time I think he really gets them is if someone else gives them to him before I realize it. Anyway I decide that there is no way that he's going to like them, and thus giving him one will be the easiest way to deter him from chips. Wrong. The funniest face I've ever seen was quickly followed by an "Mmmmmm" and a salty little hand reaching up for another one. Damn it, it backfired. Now I should have known better, because about a month ago the same thing happened with green tea. He kept asking for a drink and I figured that the tea coupled with the fact that I drink it with no sugar, would not be something he was into. Wrongo buddy! Needless to say, he had a few chips this morning.

I WANT MY DADDY

I know, I know, I sound like a spoiled rotten brat. Oh well. *grins* My parents and I try to see each other at least every couple of months. And the last time I seen them was the middle of August, so it's time. At first I didn't think they were going to be here until November. Ah, but in true dad fashion, my mom said last night that they would probably be making a trip in the next couple of weeks. Just a little nod to them, they live six hundred miles away and still see their grandchild more than some closer living relatives. At any rate I am so excited. They have yet to get to spend a Thanksgiving with us, and there are some things that I really wish they could be around for, like when I was a kid. This decision to come early is great for two reasons. Number one I can go with MY mom to get Phoenix a Halloween costume. Without worrying about taking too long, or being a burden with every breath we take. We can go to the pumpkin patch. And even better I can have a Thanksgiving dinner with them. I thought about it, and you know what, the third Thursday in November means exactly that to me. It's the third Thursday in November. I don't really have a desire to celebrate the ruin of an entire indigenous people. Thanksgiving is just that, thanks giving. And for me personally, it's about thanking God for the things he has blessed me with. Another year with my dad, the son they said I'd never have, the kidney I haven't had to receive yet. I thank him daily for giving us another day. And the prospect of getting to have a big dinner in celebration of that, with my parents, almost makes me giddy. It actually changed my morning routine today. For the first time in ages my OCD ebbed. Instead of doing the magic overnight dishes, I fished out the dusty, all but forgotten recipe box and picked out pie options. I've narrowed it down to like 25, *smiles*. And that's okay because that's what I remember when I was young. A whole table just for the different pies. Of course I won't make 25 pies, but ten is definitely an option! Oh and the turkey, and stuffing, and deviled eggs, and Swedish meatballs, and chili beans, and cornbread, and mashed potatoes, and corn, and taco salad made with extra loves, and Hawaiin bread, and fruit salad, and I'm rambling on about today's happy so I'm gonna close now.

That's funny

I've been meaning to post this for a few days, but since Mike is pretending to quit smoking, he has created a permanent butt dent in this chair. He says it's keeping him from smoking, except the only time he walks away from this thing is to smoke. I however, am on day six! Yay me! But enough on that. Over the last month I have heard some really funny things out of the mouths of children, most of them all around the age of eight. All of these are reactions/questions or caused by a commercial they'd seen on the television.

1. When Chris and Jenny came over for the fourth of July this conversation took place. : "Chris you'd better not forget to put on your sun screen, you do not want to end up with skin cancer". "Yeah dad, or genital herpes". And they say having Valtrex commercials in the middle of after school programming doesn't matter. *grins*
   
2. Upon seeing the KY Yours and Mine, (I think that's what its's called), commercial. "Is that a hair care product, because that's the only thing I can see that's different about them"
3. One of my cousins saw the Activia commercial and proceeded to exclaim, "That is so cool, a yogurt for your period!"

I'm just saying I won't be terribly surprised if I hear a small child's commentary on Viagra sometime soon. I think it's funny though, to hear how a child's mind interprets things. That whole genital herpes thing cracked me up.

The end of day 2

Okay so technically I am at the beginning of my 3rd smoke free day. Unfortunately I feel like I am at the end of a very long second day. The first day I was crappy and exhausted. The second day I was crappier and more tired. So imagine my surprise when I could not catch 5 winks let alone 40. At 2:00 a.m. I was in horrible stomach pain, but I thought, it will pass and I'll still get at least four hours. Nope, do not pass GO, do not collect two hundred dollars. The last time I looked at the clock it was 6:38 a.m., the funny thing is that I was surprised at this. I throw myself back down into my mountain of pillows and contemplate on whether I should just get up and get a head start on the overnight dish appearances. Wouldn't you know it, I fall asleep...for a split second. No sooner had I closed my eyes, (or so it felt like), did I hear hey mom...Momma, breakfaaaaast! Momma get up! Yeah, that was at 7:18 a.m. Forty minutes, forty blasted minutes, and now even though I had a perfectly good post formed in my head for this morning, this is all I could get out. All I can even think about it sleep. I love sleeping. Why is it that people who love sleep so much, often have a hard time doing it?

I can see the light...

...at the end of the tunnel that is. I made it completely through yesterday without a single drag of a cigarette! Yay me! Today should be easier right? I sure hope so, because yesterday was out of this world hard. I'm not sure if I just forgot, or the overall crappiness I felt when I was pregnant masked it, but I felt like total crap all day yesterday. With Phoenix, I just quit, not even a "well I'll have one last one". Nope, the stick turned pink, and that was that. This time, there is no little one to do it for. It's all on me, and up to my will power. It hadn't went well, I'd been trying now for at least a week. I believe it was two days ago I asked my BFF to please pray that I might have some will power. I know she prayed for me, and I prayed for me. To tell the truth I was very disheartened when I sent the message. I was about to just give up all together because I couldn't do it. And in true Lynn fashion, the more I tried to quit, the more stressful things came my way. My family's entire future as we were trying to get to, may never come to pass. NO, I do not want to smoke. The feeling will pass. The cupboards are getting uncomfortably slim. NO, the last thing I need is another cigarette. Leading to another expensive cigarette. By about 2:00 p.m. yesterday I knew I was going to make it. But with all the emotonal stuff going on, and the nicotene making it's way out of my system, I was also completely and utterly exhausted. I don't know what time I went to sleep last night, but I know it was pretty early. And even though I still didn't sleep through the night, I only got up twice I think. That by itself is an indicator of how tired I was. On a normal night I'm up about fifteen times. I'll take it! So here we are at the beginning of my second smoke free day, wish me luck.

The sickies...I hate them

Okay I swear I am being tested. Last week it was some kind of weird head cold, which I don't think I'd ever really experienced before. Well, the baby feels better, Mike feels better..and I feel like death warmed over. I no longer have a head cold, but for the first time in my adult life, I am running a fever. Which in itself weirds me out, but added to the horrible stomach issues that are accompanying it, just plain out sucks. Unfortunately at this time, my O.C.D. seems to be in full on overdrive. Arguably there are many people who have been to my house and would say it's never "not clean", I beg to differ. I mean I already do some strange things like use an electric toothbrush to clean in the bathroom. Which, by the way, I have to say I thought that was a good idea regardless of O.C.D.. But even though all I wanted to do was lay on the couch yesterday in a sweat shirt and a blanket, (by the way Mike tells me it was 85 degrees out), I kept thinking of things that absolutely, positively HAD to be done yesterday. Bleaching the blinds, bleaching the floor, organizing parkas to donate, cleaning under my bed, organizing the four tubs of sort of random in the laundry room, trying to find someone to take my stroller, and pack n play, going through Phoenix's clothes, resolving the carpet, shining the door knobs, making a list of said things, and a myriad of crap that can probably wait. Oh yeah, and I am still failing miserably at quitting smoking, ( I can't wait for my white strips,lol).
I am also trying to decide if I am just Über sensitive, or Mike is really a dolt. I guess I have to remember that he is at a disadvantage as he is equipped with a penis. But seriously I know other Not-better-halves that at least try to help out when mom isn't doing so hot. By the way guys, saying "I'll do the dishes in a while" seventeen times and then getting faux pissy when she ends up doing them because she can't stand to see the damn things piling out of the sink and on to the counter, is not a good thing. In fact, don't be surprised if her head spins off. And for fucks sake, don't bitch about getting 4 hours of sleep ONE TIME in your fucking life. Especially when she is trying not to vomit up an intestine and has just stayed up an hour later than normal because she doesn't want to deal with your whining when she says "I'm going to bed" at the same time she says it every night because HELLO she gets up every day with your child. Oh yeah here's a newsflash, why don't you offer to get up with him for once. Just a thought, but maybe one day of you being a fucking grown up with your baby would help tremendously with the recouperating. Douche face.
The end.

Nine Words

In light of the fact that I am incapable of writing anything nice today as my best friend is being tormented by Satan and her cronies I thought I'd share a funny email that my mother sent me. I am not normally into forwards, but we are all in need of some comic relief at times.

          NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument
   when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means
   a half an hour.  Five minutes is only five minutes
   if you have just been given five more minutes to
   watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This
   means something, and you should be on your toes.
   Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a
   non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A
   loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and
   wonders why she is wasting her time standing here
   and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to
   # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous
   statements a women can make to a man. That's okay
   means she wants to think long and hard before
   deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question,
   or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add
   in a clause here - This is true, unless she says
   'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is
   not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'.
   that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous
   statement, meaning this is something that a woman
   has told a man to do several times, but is now doing
   it herself. This will later result in a man asking
   'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Can I borrow a cup of willpower?

So two weeks ago I decided that there were two big vices in my life that I can probably do without. The first one was Pepsi, and believe me that was hard. I'm now two weeks clean and I want one every second of every day. Sugary soda is not good in general for someone with sugar and kidney issues, but that alone was not enough to stop me. I now have to make myself remember that when I drink Pepsi, it makes my stomach feel like someone took sand paper to the inner lining. This is a good deterrent. Unfortunately cigarettes are the other culprit. And this one is a strange one, as I have quit once before. The day I found out I was pregnant with Phoenix I stopped cold turkey. It was easy, because I was doing it for the sake of my child. You'd think after 9 months of no smokes, I'd be over it. You'd be wrong though. The second he was no longer attached to my blood supply I wanted a cigarette, and BAD. I signed the paper from the hospital and stepped outside for my first dizzying feeding of my pet cancer, and have fed him every day since then. But I want to quit, I really do. I've tried having only a certain number a day, and I would gradually smoke less and less. Yeah that didn't work so well. I am smoking four a day still and no matter how hard I try it isn't working. So I went through all these crazy scenarios in my head but none worked. It is really hard especially when Mike wants to quit too, but cold turkey won't work for him. So even though he's smoking three a day, (a huge improvement), they are still in the house, and I cannot resist the temptation. Now I'm thinking I'll get some whitening gum, and that will keep me from doing it. Now best friend is going to help the cause by sending me her extra white strips, yay for good friends. And I am doing something that will hopefully jump start the process. Mike had to go to Portland today for a prosthetics fitting. He left at noon. I made him take the cigarettes with him and dumped the ash tray. He's got to stop for some groceries, and cash his check at the bank, and take care of the rent. So I'm hoping that he won't be back until sometime after dinner, and will then hide the cigarettes. I have had two today, but I'm hoping if I can make it until tomorrow, it will then be a little easier to refrain. Wish me luck. For now I'm going to emerse myself in the Playstation and hope for the best.

Huh?

Yesterday I had to walk down to the store and lo and behold there were city workers tearing up the sidewalk. In any other town I would think nothing of it. Except I'm in Kalama. I've lived here for one year now, and they are either really bored, or they are grinding up tourists bones and don't know what else to do with the dust except make cement. When I was moving in they had the whole sidewalk dug up and repoured. A month later they completely demolished the street and repaved. A month after that, they said the parking space lines weren't up to snuff, so they repainted. No big deal right? Only about a month after that, they ripped up the pavement again and redid the entire street. They took a little break, and then started at it again. They ripped the whole sidewalk up again about four months ago. Complete with ripping out all the trees on mainstreet. Including Twenty thousand dollars worth in front of a privately owned restaurant. The owner of said restaraunt had just paid to put them in. Kalama city officials said they don't fit with the "beautification" of downtown Kalama. Okay they finally get done doing that while I'm in California, so about the end of July. Then Mike calls me while I'm there and says, "you'll never guess what they are doing now". It's ten o'clock at night, what could they be doing? They apparently spent all night repaving the street AGAIN. Now it's September and they are ripping up the damn sidewalk for a third time in a year. Are you serious? Does any body else think this is a gross misuse of tax payer money? I mean if they have that much extra money laying around, maybe they could invest in some "interacting with outsiders" classes for the locals. Oh but wait, the sidewalk is perpetually repaved because people like me pay $250 dollars a month for water, sewer, and garbage. *Sigh* this place blows. But, it's also a black whole. Once you move here, it's too expensive to save up to move away.

I give up already

There is no use for mommy to try to be sick. I know what you're thinking, try to be sick? That's exactly what I've been doing for the past two days. Phoenix started on Wednesday and by Thursday Mom and Dad had it too. Unfortunately for mom only in the world of Daddy does that mean anything. Lay on the couch, play on the computer, make me watch shyte on the fucking military channel. You name it, it's okay because well he doesn't feel good. For Phoenix it makes it more tolerable for him to decide to be whiny and stay up a little later to wait for his medicine time.
But for mom, there is no rest for the weary. If I try and not do my job, the house falls apart. Nobody eats, the dishes pile up, and let's not talk about the laundry. I tried to not worry about those things, but it didn't work. I tried Nyquil for a few nights, but that doesn't really work when you have TWO children waking you up all night. So I forfeit. Because it doesn't really matter how I feel, the show must go on. That is the saying right? The first load of laundry is in, the coffee is on, Phoenix has already refused his breakfast, I've already cried, and I'm about to do the dishes that appeared over night in the sink.

Another year

I wanted to say something deep and profound. But the words just wouldn't come. Happy Birthday Robert. I love you.

Seal coughs and running noses

Yesterday was craptastic. For the most part of it, I don't want to talk about it because I can't be nice. Suffice to say I spent some time with Satan, and she was at her usual worst. After we got home things went down hill. He started with a runny nose, and that was all there was going on when he went to bed last night. But at oh 9:30ish began the horrible seal coughing. I am completely unprepared. Here in Washington they LOVE to pass out the narcotics left and right, but try to get something to ease your kids coughing and they look at you like your stupid. It's a good thing I know how much plain old Tylenol to give him, because you can't even call them for dosing instructions. You will be greeted with we don't want you to give him anything, it's best to let him ride it out. My question is how many of you fuckers sit idly by and watch your kid hack his brains out sounding like Phyllis Diller? Enter BFF with the normal doctor there in California. She has all the charts of all the doses that she is willing to share. So now I'm in a quandry because I know if I call the doctor's office they will do two things. First tell me not to give him anything at all. Second tell me to bring him in, and then send me home telling me not to give him anything. Or I can just figure out what the best cough syrup is to give him... Actually that means call Allie and ask her what the best plan of attack is. And then ride it out for a day or two to see where it goes before calling the doc. But I still feel like a bad mom because shouldn't I call the doctor even if that is the response? And then there is the whole other barrel of shit that comes with needing a ride to the doctor what with the guilt trip that unfailingly follows. *sigh* I miss home, and the village that raised me.

***disclaimer***
Parts of this entry may be incoherent due to lack of sleep ;)

Television and motherhood

All the house work is done, here I sit flipping through the channels. Nothing, nothing, nothing. Oooh a marathon of "House"! I've seen that once, I like him. Click.
It's a thin line. What you could and couldn't stomach. And what you can tolerate as a mother. I LOVED scary movies... until Phoenix. Now any of those babies could be him. Gone are the days of "I feel like crap, Court TV all day it is!" Now not only is there a little one that I'd rather not let watch certain things, every little thing means something totally different now. Any, and I mean any, situation can now be morphed into a possibility in our life. It's like there is an "insert child's name here", in every damn title. Okay so I'm watching "House", and in the first fifteen seconds I regret that decision. It was about sick babies. I'll go ahead and spare the details. But alas, I now had to watch the remaining 59 minutes, and forty five seconds minus commercials. I was stuck desperately needing to know that they save the day. Crying for most of the make believe story there in TV land. Why? Because I have a child now. And even though the story would have made me sad before. Once he debuted in the carbon world, this kind of thing wrecks me. Because I put myself in these situations. I drill myself on what I would do, how I would act, and everything else. Let me tell you, I can contort my brain in marvelously strange ways. On it goes until I find something to redirect my focus. Basically, I watch a ton of comedies, they feed my happy.

Pennies from Heaven

Rolling pennies. Three trips to the bank worth of loose change. That is after I get one more penny roll and two more quarters to finish off the 4th roll. Yes, I said fourth. But I"m not complaining by any means. In fact just the opposite. Besides the fact that it is somewhat cathartic for someone like me to get even the smallest pile of chaos sorted. It is because so many people love my child that they will rid their pockets of all coins just to watch him run smiling to put them in his bank. Never mind that I could just empty the bank and let him put the same coins in over and over. They look at me like I'm insane. And although there's another two pounds worth in California, the three plus canisters I have here are nearly completely rolled. I am blessed in the fact that so many people love my child. I am overjoyed that he has grandparents and godparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends that love him so much. I grew up surrounded by the same types. It takes a village... even the long distance kind works.

Writer's Block

So I haven't posted in a while and it bothers the crap out of me. The problem is that I have so many things bumping around in my brain that I can't seem to focus on one long enough to get a coherent thought out. I'm working on it, I promise. Anyway while reading the local paper yesterday I ran across a section called "Coffee Break" there were a few anecdotes that made me chuckle and I thought I would share.

A woman, ready to go to the store, stood at the door with her arms full of coats. Four little children stood at her side. Her husband, coming down the stairs, asked why she was standing there.
handing him the coats, she responded, "This time you put on the children's coats, and I'll honk the horn."

An old man asked his wife to make him a hot fudge sundae. She went to the kitchen and ten minutes later came back wit ha plate of scrambled eggs instead. Seeing this, her husband flew into a rage and yelled, "Where's the bacon? I asked for bacon!"

Mrs. Bloom decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "I want you to paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, and a ruby pendant."
The artist replied, "But you're not wearing any of those things."
"I know," she said. "It's in case I die before my husband. I'm certain he'll get married again right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry!"

Hope you enjoyed a little comic relief, I know I did.

A lovely blog prompt

1. What is your occupation right now? Domestic Engineer-- house mom
2. What color are your socks right now? I can't breath with socks on
3. What are you listening to right now? My son sing Crocodile Rock
4. What was the last thing that you ate? Carrots
5. Can you drive a stick shift? Yes, if my left knee wasn't blown out in an unfortunate skating incident
6. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Allison, last night...
7. Do you like the person who sent this to you? She's awesome with a capital AW
8. How old are you today? 28 in human years
9. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV? uh today it's soccer
10. What is your favorite drink? Sailor Jerry and Pepsi
11. Have you ever dyed your hair? Yep
12. Favorite food? avocados
13. What is the last movie you watched? Vince Vaughn's Wild West Comedy Show
14. Favorite day of the year? October 14
15. How do you vent anger? Bombard Allison with f words and various other colorful language at 7:07
16. What was your favorite toy as a child? Toys, what are these toys you speak of? I was born a grown up I'll have you know.
17. What is your favorite season? Camping Season
18. Cherries or Blueberries? Cherries
19. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back? yep
20. Who is the most likely to respond? Hello, nobody reads this blog, lol
21. Who is least likely to respond? The rest of the free world
22. Living arrangements? The vortex of weird weather Washington
23. When was the last time you cried? A few minutes ago
24. What is on the floor of your closet? clothes for donation and a hamper
25. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending to? Allison, but she sent it to me
26. What did you do last night? Talked to Allison and read some of Catch 22
27. What are you most afraid of? My son growing up in this fucked up place
28. Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburger? plain hamburgers with spicy cheese
29. Favorite dog breed? English Bull Dog
30. Favorite Day of the week? Wednesday
31. How many states have you lived in? 2
32. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds
33. What is your favorite flower? Some kind of orange thing, I think it is a lily of some sort and spider mums

Even nice dentists hurt

Just got back from having a bothersome tooth pulled. And although my dentist called me hun and kept assuring me that I was doing good, I was still terrified. Because as is the law of Murphy, my teeth were perfect...that is until I know longer had a cushy job and top of the line insurance. So here I sit, terrified. I have had exactly four teeth pulled in my adult life. And I use the term lightly because they were my wisdom teeth, and I was still in college far from adult, and my mommy and brother took me. He said he'd pump my face full of all the Novocaine I wanted, then was shocked when even though the pain wasn't completely gone, I didn't need anymore. I explained about the previous dentist and her aversion to my state health care. You know some people don't care whether you paid your taxes for your whole life, the second you are on aid you are as good as a degenerate crack head who's working the system. He looked genuinely horrified. At any rate, what was left of my poor tooth was not easy to get out and it involved some twisting and pushing and pulling. He apologized throughout the whole endeavor and I left feeling a little better about humanity, even if my face was already beginning to throb and I won't be able to smile again until I have dental insurance. End the end I think it went as well as it could have.

And now for the coming attraction

Just wanted to let everyone know that I am starting a new blog. The title is "What's up f*ckers?" And it's all about things that just plain irk me in some way or another. I figure this way I can keep all things sunshine and daisies and the miscellaneous stuff here, and the mental debris there. I'm told my ranting and raving can be comical at times, you be the judge.

Same bat time, same bat channel

There is something to be said for the invention of the telephone. Without it, moms everywhere would suffer psychotic breaks a lot more often. It's a little after ten o'clock and I just hung up the phone with one of my far away BFFs. We talk nearly every day. Sometimes it takes 15 separate phone calls, (like I said we are moms), to finish a conversation, but it works for us. We talk about God, we talk about kids, we talk about random, we talk about food, we talk about it all. We have perfected the art of the subject segue and of having two conversations at once. We honed the ability to hang up, and then an hour later continue the conversation precicesly where it left off. We actually got good at this in high school. You know, back in the dark ages before three-way-calling. She had friends from another city, and they would call often, and I would wait. I completed many a jigsaw puzzle this way.
Much like my conversations I'm already off subject. What I was getting at is this. If it weren't for knowing at 7:00 p.m. free minutes start and we can hash out our very random days and then try to forget them by talking about lifes many other funnies. Plus, she says fuck as much as I do. Sometimes it's more drama from the world around us, than not. But we always laugh at least a couple few times. And laughter, after all, is the best medicine.

Phoenix's weekend

We went to our friends house this weekend for a sleepover. On Monday Phoenix was introduced to sidewalk chalk. Well, actually he got sidewalk chalk for his birthday from his Godmother, but alas, we have no sidewalk. He promptly laid right down precisely where he had just colored. If you know anything about me, you are laughing at the discomfort that you know I was in. Anyway Jen sent me two pictures of him in his nice chalky, brand new sweatshirt. Damn it.

Heartbroken

Twelve years yesterday. The wound is still fresh. I am wrecked, my faith is wavering, and the straw is getting heavy. My father needs surgery, by brother is dying, two days ago one of my aunts died, and then came yesterday. Maybe it's the broken tooth's abscess draining into my bloodstream, maybe it's the fresh memory of family and friends. But my heart aches with a sadness that I cannot even find an analogy for. I prayed to my God last night, I begged him to help me find my way, to find peace, to find whatever it is that I need to find. I begged him to let me see. ..if he is giving me signs, I am blind. I am so emotionally overcharged, that I'm afraid my sadness will start jumping into other people. I apologize if this post is neither the happiest, nor the most coherent.

No pictures please

Okay so I have learned there is at least one big difference in the way birthday parties are celebrated in Washington and California. Or at least between my family and Mike's. At my parents house there were so many cameras and video cameras, it was reminiscent of entering our junior prom. There is documentation of all his presents, all his guests, and of course every single mishap that could have happened. Here, I made a perfect cake, and there is no evidence. No pictures of presents, or Cassady and Phoenix playing. Albeit it was a much smaller shindig, I still would have liked a pic or two. By the way, the Thank You cards are coming soon I promise!

The dead spot.

Six years ago this November my urologist told me I would never see thirty, because well, I have the kidneys of an 85 year old man. There was talk of donor lists and maybe someone in the family will match. I chose to keep these conversations pretty much to myself after it was obvious that no one took it seriously. My brother turned off the phone when I was calling from the hospital at 4:00 a.m. to say that my scheduled surgery was now emergency surgery. This was the second time I got this reaction when I called. The first time was in 1998, my very first kidney stone, though I didn't know it at the time. It was the start to the long and crappy story that is my kidneys. Why are we talking about this now? Well because it's my blog and it's about what I'm feeling, and what I'm feeling is a ball of numb where my right kidney should be. Now for damn near six years I have thought the doctors probably don't know what they are talking about. I had good insurance then and kidney replacement is a huge chunk of change for a surgeon. Whatever reasons I made myself believe that "it couldn't happen to me" do not matter much now. Back then I had no son, and it is for him that I am now sad. For a week or so I've got to hear about a man who is in the hospital suffering from renal failure and diabetes. I feel horrible for this man. But it also makes me feel happy for him, he has a huge support group of people who he knows love him. And if he dies, it will not be alone. I keep hearing about this man, and what I want to say is, "How can you be so sympathetic to him and not to me?" We have the same damn diseases. I've been in renal failure TWICE. And you know what I don't care if this sounds like a pity party, it's my right to feel the way I do. I am not asking for the world to feel sorry for me. But I am asking a little understanding right now. The state of his health scares the shit out of me, because it could BE me. Don't you see the similarities? Don't get me wrong, I am not afraid to die. But I finally have something to live for, Phoenix. And I don't want to miss a single second of his life.

SUCCESS!

On the 8th of August we had a little shindig for young Phoenix's soon to be second birthday. For this occasion I tried, and failed, to execute a structurally sound cake. In fact, it was California by the end, complete with fault lines. Against my better judgment I used a cake from a box, or rather 4 boxed cakes, but that didn't seem to be too much of a problem, except for the fact that the cake on the bottom was made with a different brand of cake mix than the top. I figured they were all the same, but oh no. Let's not even talk about the pudding filling that ended up more soupy than I'd like to admit. *grins* But at least now it's funny...even the part about the well meaning friend who "helped" me get the wide based palm trees stuck in the cake. I was going to chop the base off, but I got my first fault line instead. Oh well, they tell me it tasted okay. A. even tried to prop the one side up with a pan, which someone of course, immediately felt the need to move. My mom's refrigerator had blue/brown frosting all over the back wall of it by the time it was done. Thank you to whoever cleaned that up by the way. In the end when my mom chopped the rest of the cake into kinda squares and stacked them haphazardly on a plate, they looked the best. Ah well, at least nobody was there to see that.
Today I have Mike's parentals and his best friends coming over to celebrate Phoenix's birthday which was Tuesday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY SON! He's two, or thoo if you ask him. So I thought I'd take another whack at it. And viola! it actually came out. My ocean looks like an ocean, complete with mottled blue coloring. Go me! My island is an island and the palm tree is not 3 inches into the middle of my cake. And the best part, NO FAULT LINES!, Well as of yet. I'd love to take a picture, but I can't because I blew up my camera a few months ago, but that's a whole new post.

"Potty" use with caution

The last few weeks have been filled with thoughts of how to potty train our young Phoenix. At first introduction to the potty he seemed vaguely interested. But as it stood up until two days ago, every time the bathroom door was unguarded he would just run in there and slam the lid down. If we tried to sit him up there he screamed. Well the other night we were getting ready for bath time and I thought what the heck. So while the tub was filling, I lifted the seat to his toilet and asked him if he wanted to try to go potty in the potty. I should have sat him on it first as I began to hear splashing immediately. He was sitting on the bath mat in front of the tub, the recipient of the shower was one of his poor, defenseless rubber duckies. In hind sight, I guess I should have put him on the potty and then said it.
It will probably be another month before we can try again as I think mommy yelling "Phoenix no!" didn't help the potty training process.

Mosquitos suck

While I was in California I was reminded of two things. First, that I am allergic to mosquitoes... crap. Second that there is at least enough "worst places to be bit by a f*ing mosquito" to make a top ten list. Here goes

In any order you like:

1. Between fingers and toes.
2. On the bottom of your foot.
3. Right on the edge of your lip.
4. In your eyebrow.
5. On a knuckle.
6. Elbow.
7. Anywhere on your ear.
8. On your butt, of course it's funnier when there are witnesses to you trying in vain not to scratch.
9. Right between your shoulder blades where you can't reach.
10. The fleshy part of your hand, right below your thumb.

So there you have it, the first of what I think is probably going to be a running thread.

Honey I'm home!

So we've made it back to Washington after a month long trip to California. The ride home was filled with Murphy's law though, and it was a rough trip to say the least. For example it Redding, CA where it was something like 113 degrees, our a/c fan stopped working. So even though you could turn the air conditioner on, and it was nice and chilly if you put your hand on the vent, there was nothing to blow the air into the cabin. That sucked, thankfully Phoenix slept through quite a bit of it. There was a period of time in which I felt sort of in a dream state. Upon returning my father said he could see in the car that I was getting sick. Apparently I had forgotten about my first bout with heat stroke. So in light of the climate control malfunction he decided to turn and head for the coast a little sooner than planned. It almost immediately started cooling off as we traveled west. Good thing too, because we got behind every single human on the planet who recieved their driver's license from a Cracker Jack box. We spent a goodly amount of time behind someone going nineteen miles an hour. But at least the whole route was under a canapy of trees. Oregon scenery is magnificent. Eventually we arrived in Newport, OR to visit my aunt, cousin, and second cousin who I had never met before. It was a first meeting for both Phoenix and Layla. She's two and a half. It was a short visit but I'm glad, because now we know that we only live 3 hours away from each other. Again we got behind all the lovely driver's on the road, but we eventually made it home.
What amazes me is the blistering heat right up until the sun went down even here. But by 10:00 pm we were in the middle of a lightning and thunder storm worthy of an award. And the lightning is different here. Mike's mom tells me it's not, but it is. In California, at least in my experience the lightning is in a very distinct bolt. In Washington it's more like the flash on a camera across the whole sky. And when it's cloudy it looks like there is a roof when the flash reflects off of them. Debby says there is more bolt lightning here usually, but I've never seen anything but flash lighting since I've lived here. Today it's raining and cool outside. I've already taken my first walk in the rain.

My dad flew a plane

Before I came to California for a visit my parents went to Alaska for nine days. While they were there they did some sight seeing and hanging out, eating, and looking for a place to go fishing. The fish hadn't came in yet so my dad's buddy chartered a plane to take him to a fishing spot. When they got over the Cook Inlet, the pilot asked my dad if he wanted to try it out. Of course he did and so there you have it. My dad got to fly a plane, and had the best time of his life he says and he always asks me I've told whoever it is I may be talking to that he flew a plane. Yes dad.