Just a thought

I do not love you as if I can lose you.
I love you as if I might someday be yours again.

January 6, 1997

I hate you because I love you.
I hate you because you make me sick.
I hate you because you can kill me,
I don't want to die, I want to live.

This Place Ain't So Bad Sometimes

Yesterday I was walking to the post office when I happened to look up in the sky and spot an eagle. I know you're probably saying so what? But where I grew up there might have been eagles, but one rarely saw them, and I can almost guarantee not as big as this one. See I live in a strange little story book village on a hill. Main street is at the bottom and the rest of the town just goes up on one side of the hills. Back to the bird. I must have walked for a block without looking where I was going. Just craning my neck up to see this creature. The words that I write, do not paint near as brilliant a a picture. There I was walking in the rain, singing a song, and there he was a bird whose wingspan is easily as wide as I am tall. Just flying around. All I could think to myself was that I wish the people who live in the houses on the hill took the time to look out that window. He was less than ten feet from the bay windows that he dwarfed in full soar. Well, just thought I'd share. Needless to say I spent so much time looking up that I forgot to look where I was walking. Thankfully there weren't too many cars cruising main street yesterday.

Mother's Day?

Okay so I thought I wasn't going to write anything in particular in regards to this holiday, but here goes. I am not exactly sure, but I don't think this is really a holiday for the mothers. I can't really say that I remember last year, but I think I got a card. Fast forward to yesterday. My mom is complaining about how tomorrow is mother's day and she has to go fishing with my dad. What? Why would you go fishing? She tells me that it is just easier that way. I say whatever, my dad can be a weirdo. Then today rolls around. At this time I am now in understanding of what she meant. The next time nitwit asks me what I want for this day, he's going to get a list of what I do not want. Because that's all I can come up with. I do not know what I want because I spent all day learning about the opposite. I do not want to get up early to a sink full of dishes that multiplied while I slept. I do not want to be chipper when at 10:45 you roll out of bed and I've washed said dishes, given the baby a hot breakfast, washed those dishes, and done three loads of laundry that cannot be put away because YOU ARE SLEEPING! I do not want to be asked what I want for dinner 37 times in 5 minutes and blurt out the first food that pops into my head. "Salad!?!?" I do not want to spend the rest of the day explaining that I don't want salad and to have to make something for the baby, because I felt guilty about not picking fast enough. I do not want to feel guilty when I get my mother's day salad and then decide I want to add avocados and carrots. And damn it, I DO NOT WANT TO LUG THE TRASH UP THE HILL AFTER THE BABY GOES TO BED. Ahhhhh cleansing.
So in conclusion I have learned that this day is not about giving this woman called mom a break. Oh no sir, it is about others patting themselves on the back for all the things they just know you wanted and they provided today. Me, I would have settled for sleeping in and not dealing with a rashy baby and having no time to get a shower in. Okay, rant over.

Brothers and Their Dumb Luck

I know today is Mother's Day, and most people are going to write a sentimental bit, but not me. Sure I was all warm and fuzzy when I got a Happy Mother's Day text from my brother at 9:00 a.m. Little did I know that he was going to follow that up with a phone call about avoiding DUI's. So the story goes like this more or less. My brother and his buddy are walking from the bar to his truck when two police officers yell for them to stop. They are right in front of his buddy's truck but thankfully haven't gone toward it yet. They reach the two sots and begin questioning them and running their information. Oh yeah it's 4:00 a.m. on main street in the middle of small town America. They ask them what they are doing. They tell them they are walking to my cousins house, (which is the other direction). Being the talker that my brother is, he pulls something so far fetched out of his ass that it just had to work. He begins to make conversation. "Man we can't afford to get in trouble right now, we just signed up for the CHP program" What the? Anyway. Barney Fife proceeds to do the usual thumbs in belt loop, lean back pose, you know the one. He tells them that what they ought to do is try and be city cops as they see more "action". The California Highway Patrol doesn't do much right? So anyway after 10 minutes of the local finest touting the thrill of being a city cop a woman approaches. Again, it is 4:00 a.m. They realize that this is obviously a tweaker and they are about to get out of this one. She comes up and the officers hand the boys their licenses and send them on their way. These two decide the best thing to do is walk around for an hour and then wake up Chris's dad 20 miles away to come pick their drunken asses up.
Today rolls around and he calls my cousin to tell her what happened. Did I forget to mention, her father is also a city cop there? Turns out it was a good thing he didn't mention this fact, the two cops apparently have a slight distaste for him. The feeling seems to be mutual.
So that was the first thing I heard on Mother's Day morning, how my little brother managed yet again to squeak himself out of a situation by the skin of his teeth.

The "I Am" Blog

I thought it only fitting that the first blog I post be a little about myself. I am a 28 year old mother of one. I am an over analyzing, cookie making, Pepsi addict. I have O.C.D. in the worst way, as I think it may be self inflicted. I have been described as a self loather, I'd say a Chronic Case self loather, is probably a bit more accurate. I feel way too much for my own good... I feel way too much for other people's good. I love fast and deep. I never forget my friends. I would die for you. Yes, you, reading this whether I know you or not. That's just who I am. I want to save the world one cookie at a time. I have always loved my environment and wanted to save it. I lived a long and adventurous life before the age of 21. At 26 I gave birth, and the real adventure began. I've drank a lot of beer, and done a lot of drugs. I've laughed and cried loud and long. I've lost loved ones, I've lost people I didn't know, but for whatever reason cried. I take on other peoples problems. I'd give anything not to see my friends hurt. I feel the pain of strangers when I look in their eyes. I think the government is a farce, and Hillary Clinton is a fuckwit. I'm all about organic, but can't give up the cream cheese. I'm all about going green, as long as I have enough solar power to surf this here interweb. I am one of those weirdos that likes to clean. And another thing, I LOVE to go running. I play a few instruments, and some of them I'm even kind of good at. My dream is to open a bakery someday in the Northern California area. I am the protector, teacher, friend, mother to the future leader of my army. I think that probably says about a quarter of what I was thinking I needed to tell you. Oh and one more thing, I heart you! Yes you dear reader, just because you are you.