I know I know

It's been like three weeks. Aside from helping my neighbor get ready for out of state family, coaching a couple of people through needing an drink, picking up the pieces of a friend's broken heart; I have also been having my own yuletide nightmare, and trying to fit more crap in my house, and homeschooling a three year old, and trying to get ready for my own family's appearance. There has been a little lapse in the posting. I promise to be more astute. As for now, I am off again, because I think I actually did real damage to my left arm/hand/shoulder with the baking of a million cookies, caramel corn, and fudge for all the neighbors. Merry, happy a couple few days after Christmas.

Adventure in homeschooling

There is no set time for class. There isn't even a set time for wake up. (Although mommy could definitely use it being later,*smiles*) A good chunk of every day in our house is devoted to learning in our house, though. A lot of times, what I have planned for the next day gets thrown to the wayside for something better, but that is one of the best parts. An early winter storm making today about weather. A freak tantrum turning it into a lesson in sharing sometimes. Sure, sometimes spelling gets pushed to a little later, but how many three year old kids do you know that tickle you and tell you a meerkat is getting you. It took us a little while to figure out a system that works for both of us for math, but he's progressing by leaps and bounds. It never stops making me laugh when people point out things he's "just not old enough to comprehend". Really? Who raised you? I could read at two years old because my mother believed she could teach me and in my potential. I believe in my son's potential, and I do not believe there is anything too far beyond his grasp. So when someone tells him he's too little to know something, it's usually them that get the admonishing. Don't hinder him, I'm sure he'll do plenty of that on his own as a teenager.
Sure, a lot of people don't understand how I can be so busy because I'm "just a stay at home mom". But being unemployed seems to be a blessing. I get to stay home and help mold someone's mind. It's awesome.

coming soon!

I have several sets of pictures that I've been meaning to get loaded onto the computer. I am going to be getting that done today. (Fingers Crossed!) So tomorrow or the next day there will be some new stuff. As per usual it has been super busy around here, I still have one, no two more?, weeks before Thanksgiving with Mike's parents. To cheer myself up, I started decorating for Christmas yesterday. There will be pictures hopefully, of my yet again blue/white tree. Someday I will be able to afford to do a whole new color, rather than add something to what I already have that matches! *smile*

Moving Forward

I have been beyond busy for at least three weeks straight. Disorganized, and a little mad scientist looking, I emerged though. Realizing that reform is in order, I am planning a complete overhaul of my time usage. Not wanting to have this post mirror the post on my other blog, let me just say, a change is coming! If I actually get it right this time, I will be going back to blogging with some regularity. I am shooting for at least every other day. I mean there really is no reason for me not to except, that I would much rather write with a pen and a paper, than type. I love writing, just for the sake of writing. I could really use a pen pal, come to think of it. At any rate, there seems to be a hiccup in the craziness lately, so I am going to take advantage of it. The next few posts will be about the visitors we've had over the last couple of weeks, and some of the other things that are going on in my life. And hopefully I will get the latest pictures out of my camera and into the computer!

Revisiting the fourth grade

When I was eight or nine I had a bit of a problem talking to my classmates. In fact one person thought I didn't speak English for more than a month. I used to do this thing where I drew faces on the bottom of my toes. It was my way I guess of replying to the other kids when they made fum of me, even though I said nothing. I could just tip one of my feet up slightly in their direction, and there hidden under my sock was a very angry faced toe person. It's silly, and why I choose to talk about it 20 years later is probably in itself odd, but oh well. Last night I was sitting and watching the worst movie ever, well at least last night it was, and I decided to draw a happy face on the bottom of one of my toes. Then I drew an equally crude sad face on the other. The night was long and emotionally draining. And starting today at 4:30 a.m. wasn't really what I had planned. So today when I walked in to the kitchen, bleary eyed and wanting to cry, I didn't even look at my floor. But after I got back from my daily walk to the store, tears streaming in the rain, I was looking down. Wouldn't you know it, my little happy faced drawing was stamped all over my kitchen floor. It made me smile despite myself. Right there in the middle of swearing off friendship forever, cursing the wretched rain, and graying my hair with money woes, was something to smile at. Something trivial and childish, but it brightened my day, even if just a little.

And So It Comes To This

Never blogging because I have nothing nice to say, is not good. So here goes. There comes a time when the apron strings must be cut. Even I know this, and my son is only three. I am fully aware that someday he will grow into a man, meet someone, and I will no longer be number one. I will still be his mom, and he will not love me any less. He will love this new person in a different way, and for me to want the same kind of feelings that he feels towards them, is just sick. I don't think that it is healthy, or sane, to wedge yourself in between your child and their significant other. I don't know what I would gain from that. I am pretty sure I don't want to doom my son to being without the company of someone to be in love with, until I die, and he can finally live his life. Why on earth would someone want to make their own progeny so miserable. You would think running off two woman after they already have dresses and rings, would be enough for the ego of any control-freak mother. I guess the icing on the cake would be getting rid of the mother of his child too. Unfortunately for her, if mommy goes, so does the kid, and she can eat a big fat dick. (I apologize for any of you that are faint of heart, or have virgin ears).
What I find the most disturbing I guess, is that she can't seem to figure it out. Caring only for her own happiness. Do you really think you are protecting your son in all his misery? Have you ever felt bad for forcing the other one into a career he realizes he doesn't really like? Or that nearly every fight your son and his fiance have, is about you and how fucked up you are? I don't know what the future holds, but being proud of keeping your son alone sucks. And ruining two other peoples lives on top of that, is just fucking evil.

The young artist

Sure Does Look Like Butt Sniffing to Me!!!

In actuality he was just hiding behind Daddy. I thought it was an ideal photo-op. *grins*

Yard work

Weeding 101

Step One: Procrastinate and wait for the weeds to get a little out of hand.
Step Two: Begrudgingly allow your mother in law to visit for an hour.
Step Three: Actually hear at least one thing that comes out of her pea brain.
Step Four: Try not to slam the door as you hurl yourself through it.
Step Five: Take out your frustration by doing the weeding.

And there you have it! You can clear a 10 x 4 foot section in the time it takes to smoke a quarter of a cigarette! (About three minutes)

Go Away Mother

Can't you see I'm enjoying some music?

Mural Day

Today Louis and I are going to do some volunteer painting downtown, (if he gets up). Kalama is getting a mural under the overpass. But I noticed that progress seemed to stall after the general background was done. That made the sign asking for volunteers at the local post office, less surprising. And I have to admit the lack of people involved is somewhat exciting to me. Oh the possibilities.

Clouds

Amateur Photog!

Gone Too Green?

I don't use a mixer. Haven't in my entire adult life. I prefer to beat things by hand because it saves tiny amounts on my energy bill. However when I found out that I was going to have to throw together a birthday celebration in two days time, I decided that once couldn't hurt. Mike's dad was having surgery, so I opted to make as many things as humanly possible. My arm hurt so bad! Mom bought me an electric mixer for Christmas last year, which I had tried once, but couldn't get used to its three speeds: fast, faster, and warp 9. At any rate, I bust this convenience of modern day technology out. Fortunately there was a camera on hand for what happened next. What I meant to do was press that little release thingy to put the beaters back down into the bowl. What I did was push the hyper speed button while they were still in the air. Of course I was wearing a white shirt... and the chairs I splattered along with myself and the wall, white too. Damn. Here's the evidence...enjoy!

There's a Kiwi In The House!

Last Night

Yes Mom, they come in other colors

I received an odd phone call from my mother last night. Apparently she's been waiting all summer for her orangish-yellow tomatoes to turn red. She's even got some that she picked wrapped up in newspaper to try and facilitate the process. But yesterday she dropped own and juice ran everywhere. This prompted the phone call as to whether there are in fact tomatoes of other hues. I was flabbergasted to say the least. How could my own mother be unaware of the wonderful world of love apples! She protested my fits of laughter with the fact that she lives in California and all of the tomatoes there are of course red! I suppose if you live under a rock. And I know she has the food network. I did the only thing I could think of. I told her to Google "tomato varieties" and click on the images link. Then I said she ought to probe the produce section a little deeper on her next shopping trip. I'm sure not everyone finds this as funny as I did, but that's okay. I guess you had to be there. ;)

Whew.

Mike's dad is out of surgery now and home. Yay! Only a few inches of colon short! Not bad for a cancer free diagnoses. It has been rather tense around here while playing the waiting game. The collective sigh of relief could probably be heard all the way on the other coast. In this small victory for my ever- shrinking circle, a glimmer of hope. Yes, my son took the term "terrible twos", as a jumping off point for pushing limits. Yes, it is now in concrete that Mike is a horrible communicator on a regular basis, let alone when he is scared. Yes, I am still "forgetting" to make another appointment to find out about my own medical shortcomings. Mom's still at her wits end, dad's still pushing her buttons, and my brother is still dying. But Joe came out okay. And that is something to be celebrated. Those doctors were all but sure he was cancer ridden. Turns out it was just an insanely dense pocket of pre-cancerous polyps. Good thing we didn't let him put off that pesky colonoscopy this time around. Next year might have been a different story, but it wasn't. And because it wasn't, it gives me a faint hope. Not that all of the things that are bad in life are going to get better; but that some of them might. And if some of these life hiccups do get better, than I'll be more than capable of trudging through the rest.

Phoenixisms

A couple of things I thought were funny that the boy said.


"I have lemonade in my shmonke" - He had water in his ear.
"Look I have a facebook" - Walking around with a book on his head after hearing me talking on the phone about not bothering with the site.

Phoenix is the big 3 today!

Happy, happy birthday son. We had to have your grandparents over on Sunday for presents and cupcakes because grandpa is in the hospital today. But that's okay because we know he is going to come out ok, right? Anyway it's just the three of us today. There will be finger paints, temporary tattoos, fruit leather, and probably lot's of toys and mess. We also have to make thank you cards for Nana and Papa, Grandma and Grandpa, Chris, Jenny and Cassady, and, Nicole and Louie for all the awesome stuff that they brought you. It was a series of small get-togethers instead of one big bash, but ultimately I think it worked out better that way. You got to spend individual time with everybody. Every day we love you more, and every day you astound us with how much you've learned just since the day before. You are my everything Phoenix, and I just hope that you never forget that.

And yes mom, I will post the skate boarding video sometime in the relative future.

At A Snail's Pace

Sometimes the world around me is going warp speed, but my brain is stuck on rewind. Right now is one of those times. Trying to sort my way through the fen in my head. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I just don't see in yet. I am in the middle of a struggle, I am not ready to talk about it. I am sorry.

Well

The last few months have been some of the weirdest of my life. It feels weird saying that because of the way I chose to lead my life just ten years ago. I would have expected to say that those days were the strangest, as I was having a grand time experimenting with life. Apparently, it is when life is having a grand time experimenting with you, that things can get quite odd. With everyone seeming to be in some stage of death, crisis, or hurt, it got overwhelming. Looming illnesses that cause hormonal meandering have built an almost solid wall between twenty years. And now fear of judgment widens the gap. Ailing fathers, and dying brothers, visitors from afar, straining a marriage that was already weak. A communication breach so profound, one wonders how there was ever progeny involved. Wanting to believe my brother is changing, hoping whatever comes next doesn't kill my mother. Struggling to find a balance between the love I have for my dying sibling, and the hatred I have for the things heroin made him do to me. No father, it wasn't about giving up on him, it was about not giving up on me. It seems I may be coming to a point where I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. That's not true. I can't see the light yet, but I know it's there. One thing I did come to realize is that it is not always me. I've always approached things with a "what did I do wrong", or "Why should this person like me", and I think I've sold myself short. The question I should have been asking was "Why should I like them".

Here's to hoping there is light...

at the end of the tunnel, that is. I feel like it's been ages since I posted last. Whilst life has yet to slow down for me, I am trying to find more time to sit and write. Working on a new foray into poetry. Hopefully displayed on WUF soon. More mental wandering to come soon.

A little Community Spirit in Kalama

Seven Course Italian Dinner & Silent Auction

$25.00


Benefits go to the Kalama community Fair
Saturday June 20, 2009
@ the Kalama Community Building
126 N. Elm
Kalama, WA

Seating starts at 5:30- 6:00 p.m.

MENU

Mixed Appetizers
Polenta Salsiccia- Marinated kabobs, Mpzzarella, Tomato, Olives, and Artichokes with Basil Oil

Italian Wedding Soup
Ceese Manicotti (with Bechamel and marinara sauce)

"SaltinBocca"- Beef with han and chees in wine gravi sauce
Roasted Petite Potates and Savory Fresh Asparagus
Fresh baby greens with Raspberry Vinagrette Dressing
Section of Cheese and fresh fruits

Deserts
Crotata with Chocolate dipped strawberries
Eclairs with Vanilland Chocolate cream

Espresso, Vintage Roast Coffees, Teas, and Punch

Wine will be available

Entertainment provided

Another date with the doc

Getting ready to go to another doctor's appointment. It's not so much that I am scared about what they are going to say anymore, as much as it is, that I am going alone. Mike's dad will drop me off, pick me up, deposit me at home. The end. I feel myself shrinking away from people, because the person/ people who should care, don't. Every one of these damn appointments makes it worse. I feel more and more like an inconvenience. Or like I am not tough enough, or like I am making the shit up. I have only met one person in my life who really seems to want to be sick, AND SHE'S NOT ME. I really have to say I think it is ridiculous to not only be in pain, but to feel guilty about it at the same time. Don't most people feel guilty when they are experiencing something they like?

Crossed fingers

I have another doctors appointment next week. Wish me luck.

I give up

My best friend lost a baby. I cried all day for her. I gave her time to get a hold of me, because I wasn't included in the texts that everyone else she loves got. I spent the time since then sending a random text here or there, that I got no response from. In fact the only one I heard anything about was this morning as a blog title. Telling me all about people who say that not really giving a shit. No I didn't keep texting her after the lack of response, but I've spent days trying to find someone to go to her house to take her food. I guess I should have told her that, because right now I'm just an asshole.

I can't win for losing

For three days now, I have been embroiled in the life of a stray Scottish Fold. Two nights ago he was found on the side of my neighbors house declawed and hungry. I fed him I stayed up all night to make sure he wasn't attacked by an oppossum or raccoon. I called every animal place I could find on the planet. I found a lady who said he needed some testing before she could take him. Inadvertently yesterday I was talking with my neighbor in the post office when the postal worker overheard. She told us of a lady named Gretchen who could help. We found her and she said she could take him. We were jubilant at the fact that he wouldn't have to sleep outside again, and maybe I could get some sleep. I sent the first woman an email in my excitement. Today I woke up to a scathing email about my being inhumane to animals. He had to sleep in a carrier overnight in someones garage, and would have been so much better off in the bushes for another night. I beg to differ. I think whilst he may have been uncomfortable last night, he was not going to be attacked by something that he could not defend himself against. I don't know, I guess I'm just an asshole. *sigh*

Look Dallas

Sisters, and my new brother

This is my new brother Archimedes.


This is my sister Sasha. She hearts her pillow. At first I thought she was sick or something. I was later informed that sleeping 20 hours a day is normal for her.


This is Dallas. As you can tell, she is familiar with the camera.


There are many other pictures from my trip that I'll be posting sporadically. Right now real life is calling. There's been drunken unexpected visitors at midnight, an illness that some people pooh poohed as no big deal, seems to have settled in my chest, my dad is in litigation, and some other bullshit. So yeah the posts will be short and sweet for a while.

Uncle Amos

On our trip to California, Phoenix rediscovered his love for hanging out in his uncle's room. It probably didn't hurt that my brother let him mess with whatever he wanted. Well until he handed him a can of chew and said "Purple?", that is. He was a little more watchful after that, well, a little. *smile*

Look...up there...

And so here we are again.

Okay so I've made it back from California. Broken and confused as ever. I find myself these days wanting to find a hole to crawl in and hide. The constant feeling that people that I care about are judging me. Or that their comments about everybody's bad behavior, are actually disguised comments about myself. I just want to run away.

Are you ready to go to California son?

Guitar Face

Whoa

Wow, I guess I fell off, there for a minute. Back on the horse I am, and ready to move forward. Unfortunately I think I will still be a bit phantom like as I am about to go on sabbatical again. So the posts will be few and far between. Pray for us to have a safe journey.

Broken

I am broken. I am always going to be broken. Broken and sometimes confused. I'm sorry.

Hand to God

Mike Check

Wow, ages since this thing, I've touched. I think my last blog was for Allison's birthday. Today it isn't going to be a super long one, but informative, at least. Mikey was getting out of control on this box. There was much passionate, creative, indoor voice using, "discussions", after baby bedtime. In the end I have a little more time to blog. This would have been longer, but apparently that time is not now, because Phoenix seems to be annoying Mike in some way that he cannot handle himself.

Allison

Allison is the type of person who writes a blog about the people she loves on their birthdays. She's also the type of person who doesn't expect to read about herself today.
Allison, just about every other person who knows her, calls her Allie. But when she was in the fifth grade I heard her finally lose it on someone who couldn't spell her name. "It's ALL-IS-ON, it's not that hard." I remember it often and giggle to myself. I've used her full name ever since. Besides no one else calls her that. It's special. It's twenty years of still being able to smell that day, special.
Allison is the kind of person who calls to check on you when you are down and out. Regardless of what life may be handing her at the time. She's the kind of person who is able to shrug off the small stuff. She has a heart of platinum. Among the things that are different about us, is her ability to forgive. I readily admit that this is a quality I struggle with. For her, all it really takes is an apology that is heartfelt, with sincerity and honesty behind it. She doesn't hang on to things for no reason.
She works hard at a job she is overqualified for. But she is not bitter, rather she is happy to have that job and be able to provide for her daughter. She exudes a confidence that I cannot touch, let alone own. She is happy, she counts her blessings daily... sometimes she has to help me see mine. There are many things about her, that I wish I could count as traits of my own.
This summer we will have known each other for 20 years. She was a friendly face in my new town all those years ago. It was the summer time before I started 4th grade at my new school, she was in the 5th. I bet she doesn't know that for the first four days of school, the only time I spoke was when I saw her afterwards. The kids in my class thought I couldn't speak English.
There are few people I've known as long, and still speak to. There is only one person, who's not my blood, that I still make an effort to communicate with, and that's her. If she befriends you, consider yourself among the lucky ones. But she's my best friend, go and find your own!
So here's to you Allison, on your 30th. I heart you! Happy Birthday!

My name is Lynn, and I cannot sew

Mike bought me a pair of pajama pants for Christmas in 2007. Sometime in 2008 (early) I ripped them. They sat in a Tupperware tub until this morning. Five minutes ago I finished sewing, and I use the term loosely, very loosely, them back together. It looks like something two five year old children collaborated on with some scraps of fabric. Oh who am I kidding, I am giving myself way to much credit here. I totally suck at sewing. It is at this time that I finally regret bribing Steven into doing my home economics sewing. I dare say these pants might last a week. *Sheepish Grins* I suppose I'll eventually get better at it, I just have to practice. Oh yeah, and probably have someone show me, that might help.

The hunt continues

Holy f***balls, batman. I have been at this birthday hunt thing for damn near two months now. I have also been on the mission to make a dollar out of fifteen cents. My kitchen table is somewhere under a pile of birthday ideas, coupons, birthday gifts, too many magazines, and clippings of ideas for the yurt. Today Mike is going to Portland for more thumb stuff. He is also on a mission for the ever elusive "it" present. Hopefully he comes home successful. If not, I will be sending a box of "almost 'it' presents", and posting a painfully long blog whining about the greatest birthday idea I've ever had... and then crashing and burning. At which point I will also be saying the age old classic, "It's the thought that counts, right?" Of course I know it's the thought that counts really, but I would really like this particular thought to make it to fruition. Off I go now, back to the chase!

The Path

Green Beer

Happy Saint Patrick's Day. I used to drink green beer on Saint Patty's Day. Now I have a two-and-a-half year old tornado. Today, the only way I'm getting green beer, is if I go buy a six pack and drop some food coloring into it!

Patrick and Patience

Today is Mikey's younger brother Patrick's birthday. Well, at least it is here. Technically it was yesterday for him, as he lives in New Zealand. I would love to write an actual post, but cannot as Mikey keeps needing to do things to the comp after losing the power twice yesterday. *Sigh* I need my own computer. I am not good at this waiting thing.

Birthday Shopping, or Something Like It

Yesterday I decided to text the husband of my best friend in hopes that he could help me figure out her birthday present. It was funny, I immediately got back gift cards. I laughed to myself as I resisted to urge to send back, "I am the best friend, the canned answer doesn't apply to me". I did however notice the quick response and have to say he's on his game. So now the present is looking like presents. Lot's of little/medium/ hopefully I win the lottery and get to add something awesome presents. As I now have a list of about 30 different items, none of which I think is "it", but collectively I just might have something here. Ah well, off to text and dig for more info.

Solitaire

Bumbling and Fumbling

Yesterday I thought I was being productive when I penciled in my cousin Brianna's birthday for the 12th. Reminded myself I need to go out and get a card and everything. Unfortunately her birthday was in fact yesterday. She got a text message instead. Fail. March 12th is somebody's birthday though, so it's not a total loss. My great, great grandmother will be 97 years young.
I suppose I'm not doing much to buck my procrastination trend. Thanks so much honey for sharing your bad habit with me. Sheesh. I am going to go and get my calendar up to date right now... well after I get lunch done for Phoeny.

60 for 40

Apparently the first time someone uses coupons in their life, there is a sudden realization. The other day, I sent Mikey to the store armed with a short list and a stack of coupons. Although he came home with two extra things, it was way better than his usual extras. None the less, when he came in the door, he was very excited. He said, "With that coupon you gave me, this razor only cost four bucks!" I cautiously, I asked him how much he spent. He proudly said, "I saved $21.00! It was supposed to be sixty, but it was thirty!" It was then that it dawned on me that he had probably never used them before. When I asked him he said it was because he was a bachelor, and he didn't really need to. I don't know, myself, I think everybody could use a little savings. It adds up. Sales combined with coupons, equals money in your pocket. Or, as in our case, money that can pay a bill. In his one trip he saved a third of the bill. Looking forward, it's nice that we are on the same "saving money" page.

Computer dorking it

Yeah, so this is how you know you spend WAY too much time in front of the screen. Yesterday there was a speck of something on the screen. Without thinking twice, I wiggled the mouse. You know, to wipe the crud off with the cursor! Dumb!

Mashed Potato

I almost forgot

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DR. SUESS!

Guess What I Managed to Get in My Eye...

Baking soda. Yes, that's right baking soda. Two nights ago, while trying to scrub the daylights out of the older coffee pot. Curse you Mike, no one who drinks coffee as much as you, should own a white coffee maker. Back to the subject, so there I am scrubbing away with a bottle brush and *plink* one nice shiny globule of wet baking soda in my right eye. Then we get to the part where I ask Mike for help and well, he sort of splashes water in the general direction of my eye. *sigh* This does not feel good. Then I put my head under the stream of ARCTIC water coming out of the tap trying to keep my eye open. Unfortunately, this seemed to be the one instance where my eyelids seemed to be stronger than my fingers. Fortunately, I must have gotten all the baking soda out, or it would have probably really hurt ten minutes later when I splashed vinegar in my eye. Not that I recommend vinegar by itself either. It sucked. The end.

Really?

So today was the umpteenth time that I was scheduled to have a Glucose Tolerance Test in the past 9 years. Guess what happened. I got five sticks and only a regular old blood test. I fasted for nothing AGAIN! I have yet to have one of these things scheduled, and actually get it done. This time the reasoning is that my doctor thinks that my kidneys seem to be causing more of an issue. I just thought it would be possible to get the kidney blood with the first tube, get the crap to drink and continue on. Simple, simple. Nope. I am psychic I tell you, I can see at least two more fasts in my future. Blechttt!!!

Alone

Vaughn

About a month after moving to hell I met a couple of nice people. One of them was Susan, the other one was Vaughn. Vaughn is one of the sweetest people you will ever meet. He has been continually one of the only nice people in this place. Probably last year sometime I wrote about Vaughn having cancer. Well as all battles with cancer do, they have to come to an end. I am afraid that it is coming to that time for him.
It took a little while for the cycle to catch up with me here in Washington. I dare say, I was almost a little less worried about who the next one would be. Last month Chad died. It was sudden, and nobody seen it coming. We all lamented the usual bit about not getting a chance to say goodbye. Right now I am reminded of how much it sucks to watch someone slowly go. Instead of losing their life at once. It's like a little more is stolen from them each day. They slowly fade. They hurt. You writhe inside, wishing you could help. But you stand by helplessly, and watch. There is nothing else you can do. Watch. And Wait. But you have to be there for them until the end. And I plan to be. I just wish after all this time, I could have learned how to prepare for this. Some way to steel myself. But I cannot. I am broken again, watching God take yet another one home.

Sunday

So far the laundry is done, the kitchen is clean. I managed to wash my hair and coax Phoenix out of his pajamas. So far the phone hasn't rang today. Hmmmm. Shall I be lulled into a tentative state of calm? Probably not. It seems the weekends are not always kosher for me these days. If yesterday is any indicator, then I probably should just be waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Tangents

This morning while I was making a pancake I started thinking about the day ahead. Mike has a doctor's appointment at 2:00p.m. Okay got it, his dad's going to be here at 12:45. Oh crap, I need to pin him down to a day to take me to my blood test. Oh shit, I have to try and remember to fast for the 11,467th time. Mmmm, I feel like pork chops for dinner. I wonder if Mike will let me have a pig when we move to Oregon. Ooohh, he already said I can have a cow. I can make butter and drinkable milk and cream! Damn it, I need unsweetened butter. "What's that son, more fruit?" I love fruit, we should have some fruit trees too. I wonder what grows well in Oregon, oh wait there's the greenhouse. Mike wants lemon trees. Allison's allergic to citrus, that's why the citronella candles are still outside. Hey, they could visit! Ooohh they might move to Northern California, then I might actually try and open my bakery. Mmmm, cookies. I heart cookies.
This is the way my brain is going, almost constantly. This is what my friends have to try and maneuver through a conversation with. Eventually in this particular thought loop, I thought it would be funny to actually type some of it up and see what it looks like it print. Not only was it funny, but an interesting study into the needless ability to recall an earlier, seemingly random train of thought in it's entirety.

He hung the moon

I feel like everything is a pissing match these days. Who has the better house, who has the nicer car, who has the smartest kid. I'm starting to think there is something wrong with me. I just don't want to compare things. Especially my kid. As a child I was always being compared to someone else. She gave up her bottle and walked at 8 months, she could read by two. Yadayadayada, while I am glad my mother is so proud, I am also a wreck of OCD, and in a constant struggle to attain approval. I'll let you in on a little secret, I have never in my life been proud of anything fully, except my son. Nothing I do, is ever, or will ever be good enough, not in the adult world. Gone are the days when being the "best" is an attainable goal. I was always expected to do something great. I failed miserably at life.
Now here I am with a child of my own. I watch other people and listen to them talk about the ingeniousness of their child. And I feel like they are wondering if there is something wrong with me, or my child, because I do not laud his accomplishments from the tree tops. The thing is, I am still a little selfish, I hoard almost everything he does "the first time" to myself. I don't know when he reached what milestone, the truth is, I don't even know when what milestones are supposed to be reached. But I do know this, I have yet to meet the child who's done it earlier. Any of it. He was hours old when he started holding his own bottle. He slept through the night almost immediately. He was just under one week old when he decided he could roll over. When he decided to start talking, it was nearly immediately in full sentences. His grasp of vocabulary is astounding. So much so, that it's like having a small teenager in the house. He's not supposed to know how to hurt mom like that until puberty, lol. His musical talents are obvious, and he can keep a beat better than a lot of adults. He is quite ahead of the curve. He is already well on his way with his drums, and we started fundamentals of the guitar probably six months ago. His dexterity is at an insane level. He's only aloud a couple of hours worth of television a day right now. Something he likes to watch is "America's Best Dance Crew", I don't know why it still surprises me that he is mimicking break dancing. The other day I came in and he was balancing with one hand on the floor, his body parallel to the ground, pushing with his opposite foot against the side of the couch to hold himself up. All while doing some strange windmill like motion with his other appendages. Needless to say, his gracefulness far surpasses his mothers! *grins*. He amazes people regularly with his fine motor skills. There are a million reasons why I know Phoenix is a genius. And I guess up till now, just me knowing was satiating. But when he looks back and sees how other people gushed about their kids all the time, I don't want him to think his mama didn't feel the same way about him. He is the light in my life. He is the light in his father's life. He is the center and heart, of his entire family. He is my reason to breathe. So, just because you don't hear me talk about it, doesn't mean that I don't feel like other moms. My son is the smartest little being I've ever met. But it would be okay if he wasn't. I am blessed with the fact that I ever even got a son. I just want him to be Phoenix. I don't want him to be pressured, and rest assured, I am not comparing my child to yours. I don't compare children. They are what they are. He'll be stressed out soon enough. So here is my little validation for the world at large, and someday maybe his own eyes. Yes, he's a fucking genius. No, I probably won't start talking more about his accomplishments. I like to celebrate them just Baby, Mama, and Daddy. I should probably go, we are working on addition and subtraction today.

Someday...

I didn't win the Lotto

It's been one crazy week! I bought a lottery ticket on a whim the other day. It was the second I'd bought in my life. With a little embarrassment and instruction from my mom, I did it!!! Yay me! The drawing was last night...dun dun dun dun...big fat zero. I got two numbers. Oh well.

Another miracle weather phenomenon please

I often wish for weather changes when there is something in my future that otherwise couldn't be avoided. It rained like mad and we had a mini tornado when I didn't want to go on a picnic with the mother-in-law last summer. In December we had two weeks of snow, (thank you GOD), when I didn't want to face the planet. Now, Satan and her parents might be coming over today. I am mildly displeased, as last weekend I was told I wouldn't have to deal with her antics anymore. I've also just recently realized who her mother is, and let's just say, I'm not the biggest fan anymore. So now, I don't want to "rock the boat". Well, maybe not that much anyway. See the weeks been rough, haven't had a break since before last weekend. Somewhere in the melee, Evil Lynn made a reappearance. This is my house, deal with it.
So if it would just snow, this could all just not happen. Talk about an admission of lack of will power. Yep, I haven't the faintest hope that if that pompous little pea brain does one "I-didn't-mean-to-hurt/scare- him", I will be able to control myself.
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!!!

Mind Rot

This Weekend

On Friday I was given my appointment to find out exactly how bad of a diabetic I am now. On Saturday a friend passed away. On Sunday a friend called me for help with an alcohol problem. On Monday my mom told me that on Sunday my brother was stabbed. (He survived). All I wanted to do was watch the Super Bowl commercials.

An Essay

She is cold and hard while he embraces her. Far away safe in the recesses of her own brain. He doesn't notice, because he's never really known her. Through the passage of time all things reveal themselves. Over the last years their love stunted. Blocked by the invisible wall of baggage that some people just refuse to leave at the station. She's long since given herself a concussion from repeated bashings against it. The puddle of gray matter, only now beginning the forming of usable thought processes.
When he asked her to read his forum post, she knew it would be sad. She couldn't have fathomed the ton of emotional bricks that were about to land squarely on her chest.
The loss of a loved one is never easy. But what she saw destroyed her. Line by line it began to sink in. She would never know him, not the way she wanted to, or the way he thinks, not the way these interweb strangers do. His words poetic and profound, but only meant for her as a proof reader.
How surprised she was to learn of his thoughts to restart a band with the recently deceased. Awestruck by the way he wrote in earnest of his feelings for his friend. Left hollow at the knowledge that there is a void in him that she cannot fill. But they can? These faceless beings out in cyberspace?
Here in the carbon realm, she is trying to console him. Unable to fully surrender, even to her own grief. He's finally kind of reaching out to her. Ignorant to the fact that he just mangled her heart. Oblivious to the destruction of her feeble hope of someday finding a tunnel so that she may crawl into his heart. Clickity clacking away his feelings, even now. Hashing them out with those closest to his heart.
She will continue searching in vain for the path to his soul. After all, he opened up a little right? I mean even if it was just to tell her what he wanted to say to others. She at least finds a little comfort in the fact that he's talking to someone. She loves him enough to let him hurt her forever. She's already feeling a twinge of false hope wanting to creep in.


I mourn for the loss of the dead, more so, I mourn the loss of the still living.
Lynn N. Martinez 01-31-09

What it do?

Fabulous Freebies and other Awesomeness

Hello all! Today's post was saved by none other than my favorite freebies site. You should be relieved, as today's post was most likely going to be about the weather. Hey I can't help it, the random snow is nice. Anyway, before I completely wander off the path, more about HIF. My mom told me about "Hey it's free" after she seen it on her local news station. Being skeptical in nature, I was pleasantly surprised by what I found. Among the many tasty treats, and oddness that I find in my mailbox, I also now have a healthy flow of magazines thanks to this sight. Haha, I even joined their forums. The posts are done by a handful of people who troll the web for freebies, deals, and coupons. Now if only my fricken' printer worked so I could print out some of said coupons...hey Goob, how about a free printer cartridge??? He is the big cheese over at HIF , there is also Adam, Shaynon, and a couple of new people I am not yet familiar with. They are also having amazing contests from now until March. Check it out and start looking for your own freebies today. Can you tell I'm starting to get "link happy", damn OCD. *grin* Check it out, you won't be disappointed.

May I speak to Line please?

Two days and four phone calls later, FedEx made it here. *sigh* Mike's new thumb was sent from Portland, oh last Monday I believe it was. None the less, the driver finally called. I donned a highlighter pink beanie and ran out into the snow. Over the hills and through the woods, I finally landed on the sidewalk where he could see me. Yay! No more lurking by the window watching. On the way up the walk I glance at the packaging and notice the name printed in the "Caller" space. This is probably the most amusing misspelling of my name to date. It reads "Line Martines", hmmmm. I really didn't think it could be so marred, especially since I spoke to two different people. Who I might add, must have just thought Line was a common name around here, as they did not ask for a spelling. Then again my dumbass should have probably known that call was a whole lot less painful than it should have been. Ah well, this might be one scrap of paper I might actually keep.

Mass shootings and high speed chases

Obviously the posts have been few and far between these days. Trying to beat down resurfacing demons is time consuming. More than likely the subject of the last sentence will not be discussed here. None the less, there are also the ever present family/money/damn-it-I'm-out-of-wipes-again? problems circling in my brain. This weekend however proved to have a little more in store for the excitement department.

On Saturday nine people and a gunman were shot in front of some night clubs in the Portland downtown area. As much of you are aware I'm sure, the Pacific Northwest is more known for it's hippies than it's violence. Needless to say, this was the worst shooting in the city's history.

Last night Mike and I were watching Katt Williams on television when we heard sirens. We hear sirens often as the ambulance passes by here to go to Woodland eight hundred times daily. This time there was obviously several of them. Now, bear in mind that I think Mike might be a closet Looky-loo, or Siren Chaser, if you will. Up he jumps, and off to the window. I decided to follow. By the time I got to the window he was already hopping excitedly. I peered through the blinds expecting to see a couple of ambulances, maybe there was a bad wreck or something, right? Nope, there were at least 10 police cars racing towards us from Longview, hot on the tail of a car that I managed to miss, as it did not have shiny flashing lights. *Chuckle* What can I say, my eyes are automatically drawn to, "ooh shiny", as Mike calls it.

There is a silver lining to the shooting story that I believe I forgot to mention. The shooterdid shoot himself, but didn't manage to die. That's right, they saved his ass. Maybe for once, one of them will have to think about what he did.

I can't Breath

Sometime during the conversation my brain began buzzing. At least I think so. I do believe it was the addled gears beginning to fry. Yesterday it was Sunday, but today is Friday, how'd that happen. Less and less time to do anything. And once again, Phoenix just noticed what I was doing, and began his shit. I guess it is tomorrow that I will be trying to get the post that is eating my brain, typed.

Damn it!

Just when I was sitting down to do a decent post, the boy needs a diaper. Alas, I'll try again tomorrow. *tired smile*

Ahhhh!

I'm finally able to get on Blogger, hooray!! For days now the computer has been acting quite silly. Rather, I should say that the new program that our dear Mikey has installed is a pain in the arse. It blocks just about everything I try to do with a pretty red "S". It is beyond frustrating.
Ah, and now young Phoenix has noticed I am doing something and is demanding attention. Until next time then I guess.

Wordless Wednesday