Right Now

Right now I am overwhelmed with sadness. A sadness that I neither understand nor have any control over.
Right now my son is acting like he hates me again, and I just don't know why.
Right now I am wondering if I subconsciously cause all other living beings to be repelled.
Right now I want my son to love me. Right now all of my loved ones are in some form of turmoil, and I am paralyzed with the rancor at my own inability to help. Right now I am mindful of my infinite shortcomings. Right now I am in fear that if I one day I haven't even worthy advice to offer, people will no longer come to call on me. Right now I worry that I have failed all of you. Right now I am scared that I only have thirteen hours and 49 minutes to relocate the fervor for my 2009 plans that I possessed yesterday.

Hi There.

Wow have I been caught up lately. The holidays, the snow storm, trying to rearrange the house to accommodate the boy's new toys. *sigh* It feels like I am in a constant state of cleaning up. If it's not the house, it's something. It's always something. The last couple mornings the Not-Better-Half has been at the computer before the morning dishes are done, and therefore I don't get a chance at the computer until the afternoon. Usually by the time that rolls around, I have lost all interest. But I think I see my kitchen under the debris.

Holy Snowballs Batman!

Oh wow, I seem to remember saying something the other day about wanting snow. Hmmm. It's been snowing now steadily since Wednesday. W-O-W WOW!!! I have never seen so much snow for such a long period of time. When I was a child my family would sometimes spend a few days at a time in a small town in Northern California, I believe it was called Strawberry. I know a few times we went to Longbarn. Before I meander right on off the path, there are about two feet of snow in my front yard. Our back walkway is almost a snow tunnel these days. I really can't help it, I think it's grand. I actually prayed for snow a couple of weeks ago. I am so enamored with the idea of a white Christmas. This will be my first snowed in Christmas. I don't know, maybe there is something wrong with me, but I love it. We have plenty of supplies for a few days, and nowhere to be other than home. I am romanticized by the idea of just my little family spending quiet snowy days whiling away the hours. Doing the things that families do. Building ships out of blocks, for his pirates "Pip" and "Barry". Watching the Christmas specials that have been on for years... and a couple new ones too. For the first time finding solace from the O.C.D. train. Sitting for a while viewing God's wonder in each airy flake. No cars at night, so quiet you can hear the snow alighting on the drifts. I could sit, idle for hours just watching it float down.
The atmosphere around the homestead has been pleasant as of late, the snow I prayed for is here, (and the white Christmas (maybe, if it stays the way it looks), I was to embarrassed to pray for after having the snow start to fall, *smile*). I have a happy, healthy and extraordinarily smart son. I have his mostly intact, (minus the thumb, smile), father to help me raise him. I have the most awesome best friend on Earth, maybe even Mars. I still have both my parents, who I got to spend an early Christmas with last week. I have the greatest brother God could have given me. There are of course problems in my life, and the lives of others connected to me, but right now I'm okay. My prayers have been answered, even the ones that I didn't need. Thank you Jesus, for everything.

The parentals came up from California to celebrate Christmas last week. The trip had to be cut short as the snow was about to come in. Here are a couple of pictures and who knows, there may even be a video post in the near future.




Yeah I know, my hair looks awesome, but you can kind of see my tree in this picture. I don't think I like it. It needs more ornaments. Definitely, definitely more ornaments.

Nana and Papa bought him a coonskin cap! I know, the picture seems to be awfully blurry.

Phoenix opening his new uber drum pad. *smile*

On our way back from sabbatical in California last August we stopped at our cousin Sabrina's house. Here are a couple pictures of Phoenix and Layla's first meeting.

We didn't get to stay for very long, but I was very glad to see them. Sabrina has had the baby since these pictures were taken. Baby Charles was a healthy Eight pounds and three ounces.

This is Layla with her grandma, my Aunt Rhonda. We didn't get to spend much time with her because it was late when we came in and she had to get up really early in the morning. She works in Oregon for eight months a year, and then lives in Canada the rest of the time. Sometimes we are lucky and get to see her when she is passing through
.
Phoenix really like Layla's toys. Too bad he would much rather go backward than forward.

Okay Snow, what the f*ck?

For days and days the reports have been loud and long. "Cold Snap Coming!." Everywhere you go, someone is asking if you are prepared to hunker down for the coming days. It was supposed to get to the really cold part starting yesterday, and going all the way to next Saturday. Don't get me wrong, it's colder than it's been here since, I believe it was, 1993. Whatever the exact year, it was when Mike was a freshman in high school, so it was a while back. *Smile* The wretchedly ironic thing about the weather right now is this. This is Washington, it rains here from, oh I don't know, September to June/July, but it rarely gets cold enough to snow. We are usually hovering just about freezing. Thus we have, really, really, fucking really cold rain for the most part. So here we are, it's twenty-two degrees outside. Is it too much to ask for a drop of precipitation or five?
Oh wait, there was yesterday. How could I forget yesterday? When it did snow all day, it just only stuck for a few minutes at a time.

Happy December

My parents are safely home and the snow has begun to fall. Yesterday it was snowy when I woke up, but it all melted off by mid-morning. Today is the big day that all the weather channels have been talking about. Honestly, I expected to wake up and find the ground already covered in white. Not yet, but it is snowing out there. For some reason, just the thought of the impending cold snap, has left me wanting to sit around and be lethargic.
This time the house wasn't as insane as it usually is after company. So it was nice to be able to relax relatively quickly after all the excitement. There were cookies and laughing and a gift wrap tornado before all was said and done. Dad didn't manage to get his haircut from Susan, but we survived. *smile* Phoenix was pleasantly surprised with a new drum pad. (I think Mike was also pretty excited about the new drum pad. To my utter delight, was a new Guitar Hero game. I have played quite a lot in the last few days. Hmm maybe that has something to do with the lethargy regarding everything else. *Smile* There was ton of other things too. A new mixer, a new travel mug coffee pot thingy, clothes. You get the picture. *Grin*
The Christmas cookie plates did manage to make it to the neighbors the night before my parents arrival, I am happy to report. In other awesomeness, someone liked my cookies so much that she bought me a plant! I was excited, because I really wanted a poinsettia and wasn't planning on being able to get one. Attached to the bow was a little toy jeep for Phoenix. I thought that was really nice of her. Anyway, off to wait for the snow to stick.

Merry Christmas to Me!

Mom and Dad are almost here! We are celebrating with them over the next couple days. We are even slated to have snow! It sucks that I cannot be home for the holidays, but home coming to me is going to be good too. I am so happy to be seeing my family, since I won't be coming home for a while.

No really, those are for the neighbors

After hours and hours of baking yesterday/ last night, the will power in him broke. I think he must have ate a dozen cookies. At least he stuck to one kind and I will only spend part of today rebaking, as it were, is that a word? Hmmm yes I see it now. Rebaking- The act of replacing the holiday cookies your Not-Better-Half eats before the Christmas plates go out.

Holy Cookies, Batman!

Today is the day I am going to make cookies for my Christmas plates for the neighbors. I may end up doing this again as I have two more gifts that I haven't got. They are both for men, so I figure if I have no luck shopping this next time, then cookies should be good. Who doesn't love home made cookies? Yesterday was obviously a bust in the shopping department, I hope it goes better this afternoon. Merry almost Christmas!!!

Blah!

Shopping sucks!


The end.

And A Merry Christmas To You Too Sir!

Dear Kalamites, Kalamans, or whatever you choose to be called,
I own exactly one beanie. I am sorry that it is black. I am also sorry that I wear the same black sweat shirt whenever I go out. I do own an Aerapostle, or however you spell it, hoodie. It lives in my closet because it is too big, and when I wear it I look like a sad M&M. I am sorry I do not buy new shiny things to wear and impress you with. Anything I don't need, I can save the money for something my child needs...or something else for him, (or someone else), for Christmas. I am sorry that my black messenger bag is weird, and that the reusable grocery bags that are inside it, are even weirder. Did you know a plastic grocery bag will last twenty years in a land fill. I have a son, maybe someday I will have another. I want to preserve things for them. I want to teach them the joy of vegetables that they cultivated. I want them to know that what is inside them is so much more important than the clothes they put on them.
Dear Kalama, I am sorry that you do not understand why I still smile and say "Merry Christmas!" when you are scowling. It's because I am a christian. It's not my job to be mean back. And I can't let your actions change who I am inside. Who I am is the girl who will keep smiling at you, because someday, you might smile back.

What More Than Sorry Can I Be

I don't have a lot of words today. So here is a Ben Harper song that seems to pretty accurately express what I feel today.


goodbye
hasn't been so good to me
stepped out into the night
back against the moon
i saw ten thousand hands with candlelight
we all think that we're right
it's hard to tell
if the night is full of hope or doom

what more than sorry can i say
what more than sorry can i be
before our love fades away
what more than sorry
do you want from me

my eyes
burn with unshed tears
my body is weak
from so many silent years
too many people say goodbye
before they say hello
step into the morning
and disappear

what more than sorry can i say
what more than sorry can i be
before our love fades away
what more than sorry
do you want from me

what more than sorry can i say
what more than sorry can i be
before our love fades away
what more than sorry
do you want from me

I just wanted to say...

There are a few things that I have wanted to say to a few people in my life, and have yet to do so. So here in no particular order, are things I would like to say. If you think I am talking to you, I just might be. Ask. Some might be things you need to hear, even if they weren't originally meant for you.

I want you to know that you are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for.
I want you to know that you are strong enough to leave.
I want you to know that I love you, even if I am too embarrassed to utter the phrase.
I want you to know that I value your friendship, even though I am not sure that you value me.
I want you to know that everybody hurts.
I want you to know that knowing you has shaped part of me.
I want you to know that it is okay to hope. Sometimes it's all we have.
I want you to know that there is someone out there that God made just for you.
I want you to know that I am always in your heart.
I want you to know how much you make me hurt.
I want you to know that I am not as strong as I want to be.
I want you to know that it's okay to let me in.
I want you to know that there is nothing more than sorry, that I can be.
I want you to know that you're worth it.
I want you to know that you can write that novel.
I want you to know that it will get better.
I want you to know that I will help you in any way I can.
I want you to know that I am scared too.

Aw, F*ck It.

Yesterday I went Christmas shopping. I've been saving money up to move, for a few months now. Couldn't take it anymore. The year has been bad all around, and damn it my kid is going to have an awesome Christmas, come hell or high water. I bought him a recliner. It's so fricken cute. I also found the cutest "God's Little Princess Bible" for Layla. I was actually about to buy her a velor track suit, but I wasn't sure what her mommy would think about that. I don't know, I may end up getting it anyway, lol. The little bible was way too cute to pass up though. It has a little crown on the front. I am glad she had a girl so that I have one to buy for. Now all I have to do is get some gift boxes, stocking stuffers, and tape.

Happy December

I've been listening to the ships blowing their fog horns all night. If I don't look out the window, I can imagine myself all the way to the ocean. It's December, and outside it is nothing but gloom. This is Kalama, the one place on earth where it can simultaneously pour rain and be fogged in.