She is cold and hard while he embraces her. Far away safe in the recesses of her own brain. He doesn't notice, because he's never really known her. Through the passage of time all things reveal themselves. Over the last years their love stunted. Blocked by the invisible wall of baggage that some people just refuse to leave at the station. She's long since given herself a concussion from repeated bashings against it. The puddle of gray matter, only now beginning the forming of usable thought processes.
When he asked her to read his forum post, she knew it would be sad. She couldn't have fathomed the ton of emotional bricks that were about to land squarely on her chest.
The loss of a loved one is never easy. But what she saw destroyed her. Line by line it began to sink in. She would never know him, not the way she wanted to, or the way he thinks, not the way these interweb strangers do. His words poetic and profound, but only meant for her as a proof reader.
How surprised she was to learn of his thoughts to restart a band with the recently deceased. Awestruck by the way he wrote in earnest of his feelings for his friend. Left hollow at the knowledge that there is a void in him that she cannot fill. But they can? These faceless beings out in cyberspace?
Here in the carbon realm, she is trying to console him. Unable to fully surrender, even to her own grief. He's finally kind of reaching out to her. Ignorant to the fact that he just mangled her heart. Oblivious to the destruction of her feeble hope of someday finding a tunnel so that she may crawl into his heart. Clickity clacking away his feelings, even now. Hashing them out with those closest to his heart.
She will continue searching in vain for the path to his soul. After all, he opened up a little right? I mean even if it was just to tell her what he wanted to say to others. She at least finds a little comfort in the fact that he's talking to someone. She loves him enough to let him hurt her forever. She's already feeling a twinge of false hope wanting to creep in.
I mourn for the loss of the dead, more so, I mourn the loss of the still living.
Lynn N. Martinez 01-31-09
Saturday, January 31, 2009
An Essay
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Fabulous Freebies and other Awesomeness
Hello all! Today's post was saved by none other than my favorite freebies site. You should be relieved, as today's post was most likely going to be about the weather. Hey I can't help it, the random snow is nice. Anyway, before I completely wander off the path, more about HIF. My mom told me about "Hey it's free" after she seen it on her local news station. Being skeptical in nature, I was pleasantly surprised by what I found. Among the many tasty treats, and oddness that I find in my mailbox, I also now have a healthy flow of magazines thanks to this sight. Haha, I even joined their forums. The posts are done by a handful of people who troll the web for freebies, deals, and coupons. Now if only my fricken' printer worked so I could print out some of said coupons...hey Goob, how about a free printer cartridge??? He is the big cheese over at HIF , there is also Adam, Shaynon, and a couple of new people I am not yet familiar with. They are also having amazing contests from now until March. Check it out and start looking for your own freebies today. Can you tell I'm starting to get "link happy", damn OCD. *grin* Check it out, you won't be disappointed.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
May I speak to Line please?
Two days and four phone calls later, FedEx made it here. *sigh* Mike's new thumb was sent from Portland, oh last Monday I believe it was. None the less, the driver finally called. I donned a highlighter pink beanie and ran out into the snow. Over the hills and through the woods, I finally landed on the sidewalk where he could see me. Yay! No more lurking by the window watching. On the way up the walk I glance at the packaging and notice the name printed in the "Caller" space. This is probably the most amusing misspelling of my name to date. It reads "Line Martines", hmmmm. I really didn't think it could be so marred, especially since I spoke to two different people. Who I might add, must have just thought Line was a common name around here, as they did not ask for a spelling. Then again my dumbass should have probably known that call was a whole lot less painful than it should have been. Ah well, this might be one scrap of paper I might actually keep.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Mass shootings and high speed chases
Obviously the posts have been few and far between these days. Trying to beat down resurfacing demons is time consuming. More than likely the subject of the last sentence will not be discussed here. None the less, there are also the ever present family/money/damn-it-I'm-out-of-wipes-again? problems circling in my brain. This weekend however proved to have a little more in store for the excitement department.
On Saturday nine people and a gunman were shot in front of some night clubs in the Portland downtown area. As much of you are aware I'm sure, the Pacific Northwest is more known for it's hippies than it's violence. Needless to say, this was the worst shooting in the city's history.
Last night Mike and I were watching Katt Williams on television when we heard sirens. We hear sirens often as the ambulance passes by here to go to Woodland eight hundred times daily. This time there was obviously several of them. Now, bear in mind that I think Mike might be a closet Looky-loo, or Siren Chaser, if you will. Up he jumps, and off to the window. I decided to follow. By the time I got to the window he was already hopping excitedly. I peered through the blinds expecting to see a couple of ambulances, maybe there was a bad wreck or something, right? Nope, there were at least 10 police cars racing towards us from Longview, hot on the tail of a car that I managed to miss, as it did not have shiny flashing lights. *Chuckle* What can I say, my eyes are automatically drawn to, "ooh shiny", as Mike calls it.
There is a silver lining to the shooting story that I believe I forgot to mention. The shooterdid shoot himself, but didn't manage to die. That's right, they saved his ass. Maybe for once, one of them will have to think about what he did.
Friday, January 23, 2009
I can't Breath
Sometime during the conversation my brain began buzzing. At least I think so. I do believe it was the addled gears beginning to fry. Yesterday it was Sunday, but today is Friday, how'd that happen. Less and less time to do anything. And once again, Phoenix just noticed what I was doing, and began his shit. I guess it is tomorrow that I will be trying to get the post that is eating my brain, typed.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Damn it!
Just when I was sitting down to do a decent post, the boy needs a diaper. Alas, I'll try again tomorrow. *tired smile*
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Ahhhh!
I'm finally able to get on Blogger, hooray!! For days now the computer has been acting quite silly. Rather, I should say that the new program that our dear Mikey has installed is a pain in the arse. It blocks just about everything I try to do with a pretty red "S". It is beyond frustrating.
Ah, and now young Phoenix has noticed I am doing something and is demanding attention. Until next time then I guess.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
Busy Busy Bee
Wow, I'm a veritable chicken with it's head removed these days. It doesn't feel like I've sat down in days. Phoenix's capacity to learn and retain new things is nothing short of astounding. He definitely keeps me on my toes. It is a welcome challenge to try and find new things that he can absorb. Mikey got a thumb this week. We've spent a goodly amount of time playing music and finding the limits of this prototype. If it works well, then we'll be on our way to a more permanent set of prosthetics. Also this week I have found myself hovering around the phone a lot. The BFF is in turmoil and I lie in constant wait of an update on what's happening in her life/feelings/village. There are many people cocooning her at the moment. I am filled with warmth knowing that they are there, and so I will gladly wait my turn. There is of course, the never ending swirl of familial drama. I shall spare you the details. We lost water for a few days. I'll go ahead and save that for later. None the less, when the city got it's head out of its arse, I then had two days worth of laundry/dishes/all the bowls that had to be filled with water/anything involving water to clean. *sigh*. Lastly, there is the ritual new year cleaning that I try to pretend I do not do. Who wants to start the new year without a little reorganization? Yeah, I know. Nobody else looks forward to the storage revamp except me. Oh well.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
2008 Year In Review...sorta
I got this in my regular e-mail account and I liked it enough, so here it is.
1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? I'm told I was got my name from a Pink Floyd song
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Little Mr. Phoenix
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Not on purpose
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Others think I am, and that's what counts right?
23. FAVORITE SMELLS? The ocean, coconut
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My mommy!
26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Soccer, ice hockey, UFC, boxing
27. HAIR COLOR? Brown and Red
28. EYE COLOR? Brown
29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Nope
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Scary movies with happy endings
35. HUGS OR KISSES? yes please
36. FAVORITE DESSERT? Cookies
44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? St. Robert Missouri
48. DO YOU HAVE A COLLECTION? IF SO, WHAT? PEZ dispensers, books, and sarcastic remarks I suppose.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Dear God
Dear God,
Do you think maybe just this one time I could get like a five hundred dollar windfall of some kind. I mean it would be like a one time deal. Get my head about water sort of thing. You know so I could be a little more prepared for the particularly harsh winter we seem to be having. This way, I was thinking I could by some groceries, diapers, cleaning supplies that I am out of, and maybe some underwear that don't have holes in them. *Smile* I know the answer is probably no, but I also know you probably have a sense of humor too.
Love,
Lynn
And so ends another chapter
Again I awoke with a heavy heart this morning. For what seems like an eternity now, I've been pondering life's nagging questions. You know, the ones that usually start with why. It seems that the stand out lately has been "Why am I always that friend?"
I'm the friend of convenience, need, or flight of fancy.
I am the friend that it's okay to cancel on because I'll understand. I'm also the friend that you can go without for long periods of time, until you are in crisis. To that repertoire, I also bring the "I'm bored" card. "I'm bored, no one else was home, what are you up to?" Yes, I hear this a lot. I also hear a lot of "I'm sorry it's been so long". Often thrown by the wayside when a new and/or long lost friend reappears in the picture. Only to be called upon a month later, when the novelty has worn off. Or even better, they've moved on, and so here I am waiting. The constant stand-by.
Here's the thing though, I'm getting old. I can count my friends on one hand, if that. I try to tend and nurture the few awesome friendships with the people I consider my compadres. It seems as time goes by, my circle shrinks. The only thing I can say to that is, the only way to hold on to sand is not to try and hold on. So this is where the path has led me. There will be no more e-mails, and no more phone calls. At least not the kind where I'm calling to see what you've been doing for the last 6 months that I've got no answer.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Sluggish in the Snow
The snow started to fall again yesterday. A collective sigh was heard all over Kalama. Except for in my home. I love the snow. Watching it fall soothes me. It's also good for keeping random people from knocking on my door. I know what your thinking, how many random people could come a calling? Especially if you've ever been here. Our inept FedEx driver seems to get lost every time anyway. But that is besides the point. It's snowing again, and this time I am almost completely prepared. So as I watched it fall yesterday, I said a silent prayer that it wouldn't stick until this evening. Because of course the day after it started to snow, is the day that we were planning our trip to stock up on the groceries. The ground is still clear as of this moment, and hopefully he gets out the door and back with a quickness because it's about to get coooolllllddddddd. Damn it, I wish I had some Wassail.
Friday, January 2, 2009
The New Year
All I really hope to accomplish in 2009 really, is to make it in tact, and accompanied by everyone I love, to New Year's Eve of 2010. I wish you all the best. Good Luck, and God Bless.
