Really?

So today was the umpteenth time that I was scheduled to have a Glucose Tolerance Test in the past 9 years. Guess what happened. I got five sticks and only a regular old blood test. I fasted for nothing AGAIN! I have yet to have one of these things scheduled, and actually get it done. This time the reasoning is that my doctor thinks that my kidneys seem to be causing more of an issue. I just thought it would be possible to get the kidney blood with the first tube, get the crap to drink and continue on. Simple, simple. Nope. I am psychic I tell you, I can see at least two more fasts in my future. Blechttt!!!

Alone

Vaughn

About a month after moving to hell I met a couple of nice people. One of them was Susan, the other one was Vaughn. Vaughn is one of the sweetest people you will ever meet. He has been continually one of the only nice people in this place. Probably last year sometime I wrote about Vaughn having cancer. Well as all battles with cancer do, they have to come to an end. I am afraid that it is coming to that time for him.
It took a little while for the cycle to catch up with me here in Washington. I dare say, I was almost a little less worried about who the next one would be. Last month Chad died. It was sudden, and nobody seen it coming. We all lamented the usual bit about not getting a chance to say goodbye. Right now I am reminded of how much it sucks to watch someone slowly go. Instead of losing their life at once. It's like a little more is stolen from them each day. They slowly fade. They hurt. You writhe inside, wishing you could help. But you stand by helplessly, and watch. There is nothing else you can do. Watch. And Wait. But you have to be there for them until the end. And I plan to be. I just wish after all this time, I could have learned how to prepare for this. Some way to steel myself. But I cannot. I am broken again, watching God take yet another one home.

Sunday

So far the laundry is done, the kitchen is clean. I managed to wash my hair and coax Phoenix out of his pajamas. So far the phone hasn't rang today. Hmmmm. Shall I be lulled into a tentative state of calm? Probably not. It seems the weekends are not always kosher for me these days. If yesterday is any indicator, then I probably should just be waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Tangents

This morning while I was making a pancake I started thinking about the day ahead. Mike has a doctor's appointment at 2:00p.m. Okay got it, his dad's going to be here at 12:45. Oh crap, I need to pin him down to a day to take me to my blood test. Oh shit, I have to try and remember to fast for the 11,467th time. Mmmm, I feel like pork chops for dinner. I wonder if Mike will let me have a pig when we move to Oregon. Ooohh, he already said I can have a cow. I can make butter and drinkable milk and cream! Damn it, I need unsweetened butter. "What's that son, more fruit?" I love fruit, we should have some fruit trees too. I wonder what grows well in Oregon, oh wait there's the greenhouse. Mike wants lemon trees. Allison's allergic to citrus, that's why the citronella candles are still outside. Hey, they could visit! Ooohh they might move to Northern California, then I might actually try and open my bakery. Mmmm, cookies. I heart cookies.
This is the way my brain is going, almost constantly. This is what my friends have to try and maneuver through a conversation with. Eventually in this particular thought loop, I thought it would be funny to actually type some of it up and see what it looks like it print. Not only was it funny, but an interesting study into the needless ability to recall an earlier, seemingly random train of thought in it's entirety.

He hung the moon

I feel like everything is a pissing match these days. Who has the better house, who has the nicer car, who has the smartest kid. I'm starting to think there is something wrong with me. I just don't want to compare things. Especially my kid. As a child I was always being compared to someone else. She gave up her bottle and walked at 8 months, she could read by two. Yadayadayada, while I am glad my mother is so proud, I am also a wreck of OCD, and in a constant struggle to attain approval. I'll let you in on a little secret, I have never in my life been proud of anything fully, except my son. Nothing I do, is ever, or will ever be good enough, not in the adult world. Gone are the days when being the "best" is an attainable goal. I was always expected to do something great. I failed miserably at life.
Now here I am with a child of my own. I watch other people and listen to them talk about the ingeniousness of their child. And I feel like they are wondering if there is something wrong with me, or my child, because I do not laud his accomplishments from the tree tops. The thing is, I am still a little selfish, I hoard almost everything he does "the first time" to myself. I don't know when he reached what milestone, the truth is, I don't even know when what milestones are supposed to be reached. But I do know this, I have yet to meet the child who's done it earlier. Any of it. He was hours old when he started holding his own bottle. He slept through the night almost immediately. He was just under one week old when he decided he could roll over. When he decided to start talking, it was nearly immediately in full sentences. His grasp of vocabulary is astounding. So much so, that it's like having a small teenager in the house. He's not supposed to know how to hurt mom like that until puberty, lol. His musical talents are obvious, and he can keep a beat better than a lot of adults. He is quite ahead of the curve. He is already well on his way with his drums, and we started fundamentals of the guitar probably six months ago. His dexterity is at an insane level. He's only aloud a couple of hours worth of television a day right now. Something he likes to watch is "America's Best Dance Crew", I don't know why it still surprises me that he is mimicking break dancing. The other day I came in and he was balancing with one hand on the floor, his body parallel to the ground, pushing with his opposite foot against the side of the couch to hold himself up. All while doing some strange windmill like motion with his other appendages. Needless to say, his gracefulness far surpasses his mothers! *grins*. He amazes people regularly with his fine motor skills. There are a million reasons why I know Phoenix is a genius. And I guess up till now, just me knowing was satiating. But when he looks back and sees how other people gushed about their kids all the time, I don't want him to think his mama didn't feel the same way about him. He is the light in my life. He is the light in his father's life. He is the center and heart, of his entire family. He is my reason to breathe. So, just because you don't hear me talk about it, doesn't mean that I don't feel like other moms. My son is the smartest little being I've ever met. But it would be okay if he wasn't. I am blessed with the fact that I ever even got a son. I just want him to be Phoenix. I don't want him to be pressured, and rest assured, I am not comparing my child to yours. I don't compare children. They are what they are. He'll be stressed out soon enough. So here is my little validation for the world at large, and someday maybe his own eyes. Yes, he's a fucking genius. No, I probably won't start talking more about his accomplishments. I like to celebrate them just Baby, Mama, and Daddy. I should probably go, we are working on addition and subtraction today.

Someday...

I didn't win the Lotto

It's been one crazy week! I bought a lottery ticket on a whim the other day. It was the second I'd bought in my life. With a little embarrassment and instruction from my mom, I did it!!! Yay me! The drawing was last night...dun dun dun dun...big fat zero. I got two numbers. Oh well.

Another miracle weather phenomenon please

I often wish for weather changes when there is something in my future that otherwise couldn't be avoided. It rained like mad and we had a mini tornado when I didn't want to go on a picnic with the mother-in-law last summer. In December we had two weeks of snow, (thank you GOD), when I didn't want to face the planet. Now, Satan and her parents might be coming over today. I am mildly displeased, as last weekend I was told I wouldn't have to deal with her antics anymore. I've also just recently realized who her mother is, and let's just say, I'm not the biggest fan anymore. So now, I don't want to "rock the boat". Well, maybe not that much anyway. See the weeks been rough, haven't had a break since before last weekend. Somewhere in the melee, Evil Lynn made a reappearance. This is my house, deal with it.
So if it would just snow, this could all just not happen. Talk about an admission of lack of will power. Yep, I haven't the faintest hope that if that pompous little pea brain does one "I-didn't-mean-to-hurt/scare- him", I will be able to control myself.
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!!!

Mind Rot

This Weekend

On Friday I was given my appointment to find out exactly how bad of a diabetic I am now. On Saturday a friend passed away. On Sunday a friend called me for help with an alcohol problem. On Monday my mom told me that on Sunday my brother was stabbed. (He survived). All I wanted to do was watch the Super Bowl commercials.