The dead spot.

Six years ago this November my urologist told me I would never see thirty, because well, I have the kidneys of an 85 year old man. There was talk of donor lists and maybe someone in the family will match. I chose to keep these conversations pretty much to myself after it was obvious that no one took it seriously. My brother turned off the phone when I was calling from the hospital at 4:00 a.m. to say that my scheduled surgery was now emergency surgery. This was the second time I got this reaction when I called. The first time was in 1998, my very first kidney stone, though I didn't know it at the time. It was the start to the long and crappy story that is my kidneys. Why are we talking about this now? Well because it's my blog and it's about what I'm feeling, and what I'm feeling is a ball of numb where my right kidney should be. Now for damn near six years I have thought the doctors probably don't know what they are talking about. I had good insurance then and kidney replacement is a huge chunk of change for a surgeon. Whatever reasons I made myself believe that "it couldn't happen to me" do not matter much now. Back then I had no son, and it is for him that I am now sad. For a week or so I've got to hear about a man who is in the hospital suffering from renal failure and diabetes. I feel horrible for this man. But it also makes me feel happy for him, he has a huge support group of people who he knows love him. And if he dies, it will not be alone. I keep hearing about this man, and what I want to say is, "How can you be so sympathetic to him and not to me?" We have the same damn diseases. I've been in renal failure TWICE. And you know what I don't care if this sounds like a pity party, it's my right to feel the way I do. I am not asking for the world to feel sorry for me. But I am asking a little understanding right now. The state of his health scares the shit out of me, because it could BE me. Don't you see the similarities? Don't get me wrong, I am not afraid to die. But I finally have something to live for, Phoenix. And I don't want to miss a single second of his life.