It's ok

I asked my mother what I was like as a toddler. I did this after about 10 minutes worth of her saying that maybe my kid is more like my brother than me. I sat there and watched her try to remember.

I thought about Phoenix and how he is so patient. How sometimes he has every right to push or hit or shove back. How he will forever try and walk away before he finally kicks you with everything that he's got. But for me it takes and eternity watching him wondering why is this kid so mean? And I can't help him, because I need him to defend himself. But that's the rub. It's my need, not his. I have strived so hard to raise him in peace. With no yelling, or ranting, or arguing, or any of that, that my poor child does not know how to react. He's never been hit, only spanked when he's in serious trouble. He has no concept of hitting for the sake of hitting. And his passive approach to these situations overwhelms me wholly. It takes a lifetime in mommy minutes for him to get angry. Maybe he is more like my brother.

When my mother looked back at me she said "No, you fought back". No more, no less. It's okay that Phoenix is more like my brother. I look back at my life, and at his life, and sadly realize that indeed I would rather my son be more like him and less like me. I am short tempered and fragile. He is even tempered and strong. It's okay that Mom always loved him more, he was the better kid from day one.