06-04-08

In twenty eight years I have yet to find a way to effectively remove pain from the hearts of others. I am beginning to think that it is my destiny to meet new people with old ailments, and help them on their way. Which in itself is strange to me because I really have nothing but myself to give anymore. I've hawked everything I own save for my C.D. case, and that's only because I threw out their individual cases and you can't really sell loose C.D.s can you? Although at this point I'd sell the whole damn case. I've given everything I have to help anyone I can. Now I have nothing but love, and to my surprise there are many people who need it.
God, how my heart is aching right now, I can't breathe, this time it seems like it's too much. I feel like I can't watch you hurt like this. I know it's going to be okay, and I know I didn't really have a blood vessel burst in my frontal lobe last night. But God help me, just a little part of me would have been okay with that.
At 3:30 a.m. sitting on the bathroom floor, crying and vomiting and clutching a cellular phone. Begging God that I may not be about to bury another. Simultaneously writhing inside over your newly voiced fears. Sick with anticipation over what today's doctors appointment would bring. While desperately willing a teleport to appear in my tiny bathroom. Spinning into a panic attack. And finally the phone rings, and a tired voice says she is okay but going to try to sleep. Nothing to do but wait until the morning and pray.
Hit the start button and go right back to what was making me ill before the phone rang. My son sleeping in the next room. And one tiny wisp of hope, because no matter what happens, he'll be taken care of. And he doesn't know that his mommy and daddy are scared, and that's the way it should be.