12 words

My friend posted this prompt on her blog today. Here's my thoughts on it. You can do it too!

Below is a list of 12 words. Write 1 paragraph about what you think of (in your life) when you hear that word.


1. Home
I wish I had something profound and sentimental to say here but I do not. I am still trying to find "home". The truth is we moved around more than a few times before my parents bought the house in CrowsLanding. I suppose if home were a feeling, then home would be wherever I could run to my mother. If home were an object, it would be the felled telephone poll in the alley behind my parents house. Where Robert bribed me with random things like a box of cereal, or some other thing that 10 year old boys thing is barter worthy, in exchange for me doing his homework. If home is the place where your roots are, then I haven't one yet, because I am definitely not staying here. *smile*. At this time in my life, home is a dream. Home is where I will feel safe raising my son, and growing my vegetables, and hopefully on a big enough patch of dirt that my loved ones can have a house if they'd like.


2. Family
I don't have 3rd, 4th, or whatever removed family. To me all my cousins are my cousins, no matter how far down the line. I have a thousand aunts or uncles that have married into the family and countless "step" relatives. And before you say anything, I have spent Christmas with every single one of them at one time or another. That being said, I love them all the same. The blood in their veins isn't important to me. Sadly, I have a few aunts that don't feel that way. And because I choose to love everyone, they choose not to talk to me. That's fine I guess. But to me it's not so black and white. I don't have any biological sisters, but I have a friend or two that I think are probably just as good, if not better than the real thing.

3. Marriage
The scariest fucking thing on the planet. Will I really love someone until I die? Stupid question. Of course I have the capacity to do that. The one that really gets me, is whether someone could love me that long.

4. Sex
Sex is a trixy little hobit. Does he like this? Do I like this? Is he bored? Why can't he figure out that that bugs the shit out of me? Why are we on totally different libido clocks? No, not all girls dig cuddling! And why are some people so weirded out when others breach the subject? Is there some secret boy rule stating 2 years into the relationship is when it's okay to make "suggestions"? Don't get me wrong I'm not saying I've had a bunch of 2 year relationships gone weird. Just the general consensus among my friends.


5. Friends
When I was a child, my friends father told me that I would eventually count all my friends on one hand. He was half right, at this juncture in my life I can count my closest friends comfortably on one hand. I have many many people in my life that I am here for on all accounts, but I have only a select few that would do the same for me. None the less, friends are better than family because you get to pick them. A friend stays on the phone way to late with you in an endless conversation that started off about pop tarts, veered passed andiron chairs, and finally finished off on how fast a midget runs through the jungle before you part on your insomniac ways. Friends help each other, they listen when you need them, and they come to you when they need listening.


6. God
I read somewhere about a professor who said there was no God based on the fact that there was such evil in the world. One student stood up and replied that there really is no evil, just an absence of God. It makes sense. Think about it, we cannot measure cold, only heat. There is an absolute zero, the complete absence of heat. However it can always get hotter. There is no dark, that is just what we call it when there is an absence of light. Thus there is no evil, just the absence of God in the hearts of men.


7. Color
The scariest word in the English language. The reason I can't sleep at night. And although my skin is not dark by any means. It is dark enough to garner sideways glances when I go to the post office. The reason I want to home school my child. The reason my friends are my friends, because they don't see it. The reason I seem to be unable to produce an adequate sentence here.

8. Frustration
Watching a loved on hurt, and being able to do nothing about it. Wanting to save the world, but not knowing where to start. Feeling like my hands are tied, when they are really pulling out my hair.

9. Happiness
I saw my friend Von today on my way home from the post office. He was getting dropped off by the same medical cab company that I used to use. He was smiling and I asked him how he was. He said it was a little easier to swallow these days. I smiled and said I would make him cupcakes. And I did, but when I went back to his apartment to take them to him there was no answer. It's probably because he was sleeping, it was 6:45. Von has cancer, and everyday he takes a cab to get radiation treatment in his neck. And even though he's done it every day for a month, and won't be done until the 16th, he was offering a smile. He was just satisfied with being here, and he was not bitter. And although I am sad for myself to watch another ail, I am glad to have had him befriend me, I am better for it.

10. Silence
The absence of sound. I am not sure I have experienced it really. I've been where there was no noise, but I find these are the times when my thoughts are the loudest. I hate when it's quiet, gives people reason to question said thoughts. And although they are screaming in my head sometimes, I don't want them voiced. And I want to cram my hand down my throat to keep from doing so because for the most part silence is what follows when somebody in the room does or says something offensive.

11. Noise
For me the word noise is like the word home to other people. This is the first place I've stayed for more than 6 months in a very long time. And although my parents have lived in the same house since I was 10 now, nothing is guaranteed to stay the same. A lot of my family are opting to move around these days, and at first I was sad. I used to think my grandmother's house was "home", my aunt just lost that house. I was sad, but I realized that I had no intention of going in that house again. My grandmother was dead, and my aunt was holed up in one room letting her 6 or so dogs overrun the place. But it wasn't the building that I loved, because there were good memories and bad. What I loved was the sound of my family members together and being joyous. When I go home to visit my parents I love it because the whole time I am there, there is a dull roar. As family members, and friends, and family members' friends, and friends' family members, *smile*, mill in and out. My dad's t.v. is always on WAY too loud, the chihuahua is spinning in circles and yapping like a lunatic. But that is just the way I like it. At the risk of sounding cliche, I love life and hearing it all around me. I'd be sad if I lost my sight, but I'd be devastated if I could never hear my son sing again.

12. End
There isn't one. Just moving on to the next level. When the book gets to heavy end it, but start a new one. When my mortal life ends, I'm sure what I think is my spiritual life now, will only be beginning. When Robert died it was the beginning of my life without him. But when the hardest time of my life ended, (pregnancy), my life as a mother began. Our life is a series of never ending beginnings if you look at it the right way.

Well there it is, my humble attempt at it! Hope you enjoyed.