What exactly IS wrong with me?

There was no post yesterday. It wasn't because I could think of nothing to say, it was because I had entirely too much too say, and I didn't know how. I wanted to write a post to my son. My best friend writes posts to her daughter often. They are wrapped in love, and sealed with a promise. We talked on the phone last night and I started to tell her of my dilemma. I love my son more than the picture my humble words could ever paint. But it's just hard for me to put these types of sentiment down sometimes. She said it was hard for her at first, but it got easier, and she wanted her to know how she felt should something ever happened to her. I expressed my newly realized fear of this now. She tried to be helpful and said she would tell him I liked him. Someone beeped in for Mike, and I was left alone with my brain to ponder this last statement. At first my feelings were bruised. Why wouldn't she tell him I LOVED him? I know she would, and being as she is my best friend, she was probably trying to make me laugh. I was a little too far in the trapped by my own thoughts phase though. Oddly the phone was busy last night, and it wasn't for me. I spent a lot of time on auto pilot, lost somewhere inside me cerebellum. Thinking about the fact, that there is no forever, and so many people have had to leave my life early, and I've already been handed my ticket, that I've got to figure out some way for him to know. My own little private random thoughts book is not enough. Besides what if he never found it. So while I know that after I'm gone people will tell him he was my everything, it's up to me to do it while I'm still here.